following an unknown path

glimpses from my journal: feb 3-7, 2008

Feb. 3, 2008
"Since Lawrance came back from the conference, we've gone out twice.  On Friday, we went to eat hotpot and then to look at sunflowers, pink flowers, and his mom's work place.  It was so much fun!! 

" . . .

"He is so kind and patient.  He is also very tenderhearted.  And . . . he protects me--making sure he walks on the outside . . . ahhh a man! :)  It's great!"

~*~*~*~

Feb. 7, 2008
Our other date was the very next day.  We went to Corrina's house.  I made spaghetti and we played games with Corrina's girls while Corrina and Kevin went out on a date.  I was tired actually, but we still had fun.

"Father, please guide him and direct him and allow me to follow his lead.  . . .   I want to please you and bring you glory.  I want to honor you and him.

"Please give us both discernment and wisdom.  Help him to be a man and me a woman.  Give us self-control and patience.  Help us to do things right in the matters of the heart.  Teach us how to serve each other, support each other, and love each other too.  Teach us hot to be self-sacrificing and delight in pleasing the other. 

"I thank you so much for giving him to me.  You are such a good, kind, God.  You've given me more than I could ever have asked for or imagined!  . . . Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!  Praise your holy name!"

~*~*~*~*~
Note from Amanda:
During this time I read the books Doing Things Right in the Matters of the Heart by John Ensor and Let Me be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot (essentially a long letter Elliot writes to her newly engaged daughter).  And, he read Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris in Chinese (I reread it also, but in English). 

These three books were so helpful to helping us lay a good foundation for the beginning of our relationship.  I highly recommend Boy Meets Girl and Let Me Be a Woman to others who are in the beginning stages a love relationship.  Doing Things Right in the Matters of the Heart is also highly recommend, but it is a book that can and should be read by singles everywhere.

glimpses from my journal: jan 25-26, 08

Jan. 25, 2008
"I feel like I am living a dream.  Walking in the land of 'I don't deserve this.'  You, my loving Heavenly Father, surely do know how to give GOOD gifts.  You are most kind and very generous. 

"Please forgive my lack of faith and distrust.  I am sorry I ever doubted you.

"I place my life in your hands and eagerly await the future."

~*~*~*~

Jan 26, 2008
". . . I think I am in love.  And, I know I WANT him to be 'the one.' 

"Oh yeah, and today when he called on the phone, he spoke only in Chinese and I spoke only in English.  So fun!!  I loved it!  Yea!!!!!"

glimpses from my journal: jan 24, 2008

"Lawrance is away at a conference in KH . . . how is it possible to miss someone I only recently started hanging out with?  My thoughts somehow seem to always come back to him.  And the only thing I can do is pray.  At times I wonder if the Lord will ever tire of my love sick prayers.

"Corrina suggested tonight that Lawrance go back with me to America this summer.  That way he could meet my whole family and see me in America.  I think that is a wonderful idea.  . . . but is it too premature to be planning that far ahead?  Corrina also mentioned that she thinks we should just go ahead and get married.  Ha!  I had to remind her we've only had one date! :)

"Sigh!

"I think . . . . I really, really think . . . . I am falling in love. . . . oh my!  All I can think of is God is so good, so kind. . . . and how much longer must I wait?  I can't wait to see what happens. . . . can't wait, too excited. . . .so excited . . .can't wait!!!  oh my!  oh my!  oh my!!"

glimpses from my journal: jan 20-22, 08

Jan. 20, 2008
"In just a few moments I will be leaving to go on my first date with Lawrance.  I am excited, nervous, happy.

"Father, you be in control.  Help me to reign in my emotions.  Please be glorified in our relationship where it leads.  Be Lord of it all.

"Help me to trust you as the author of my love life.  Help me to handle his heart with care.  Give me wisdom and discernment--and him too.  Give him the guts to lead and give him the wisdom and strength to do what is right and good and pure.

"Thank you so much for this chance.  Thank you for how you've changed in the past year.  I look forward to growing closer to you than ever before.  Be glorified!!"

~*~*~*~*~

Jan. 22, 2008
"Well, our first date went well.  I really like Lawrance.  I want the whole process of dating him to go well--smoothly.  I want him to be 'the one.'  He was so nervous, but that just made it all the more sweet, cute. 

. . .

"Father, I relinquish this relationship to you.  I want it to honor you and bring you glory.  Even though waiting will be hard for me . . . I trust completely your timing.  You truly are a good God . . . a kind God.  I ask that you give Lawrance wisdom and discernment.  I pray you speak right to his heart.  . . . let him have ears that hear you.  . . . Grow us closer to both each other and you.  And most of all . . . please be glorified in our lives and in our relationship. 

"Thank you for placing us together in a way only you could.  You are so good!!"

glimpses from my journal: jan 1, 08

I've decided to let you inside my journal writings from the past few months.   Of course you are only getting the glimpses and snippets--full text viewing is strictly forbidden. :)

And, just a small warning  . . . I was utterly head over heels in love--you will see that in my writing.  It was a very, very fun and exciting time.  This first journal entry was just some of my "new year thoughts" that are fun to read now that we know there is going to be a wedding on the last day of August of this year. :)

~*~*~*~

Jan 1, 2008
". . . There is so much I long to do, want to do, would love to see happen this year.  Desire.  Longing.  Hope.  It would be amazing to end 2008 as a wife.  That seems too good to be true to actually happen.  Could it?  Can it?

. . .

Father, I entrust you with all that I am.  I have no clue what the future might hold . . . but because you are in charge, I am hopeful and excited.  You fulfill me and satisfy.  You surprise me with your generosity and kindness.  I don't deserve any of it and yet still you give and give and give.  What a wonderful God you are! . . ."

asian themed wedding

Nope.  Just in case you were wondering, we are NOT having an "Asian themed wedding."  Not that there is anything wrong with one, but I want our American wedding to be American and our Taiwanese wedding to be Taiwanese . . . while at both of them still honoring both cultures.  Does that make sense?

So, we are not doing anything overtly "Asian" at our American wedding.  No chipows, no lanterns, no deep red decorations, no fortune cookies (which are American anyway) and no "Chinese take out boxes" (which are also American).  However, we will use Chinese during part of the ceremony, and the groom's cake will have some a fun Chinese inspired decoration.  But, beyond that we are doing things in a colorful blast of gerbera daisy fun. :) 

The church ceremony of our Taiwanese wedding will be much more bilingual than our American wedding.  My guess is that it will seem Taiwanese to the Americans and American to the Taiwanese . . . which is actually my desire.  Not that both groups find it foreign, but that we do things in a way that is totally us . . . a blend of both cultures. 

However, our banquet in Taiwan will be very Taiwanese all the way.  I'm not sure what all it will include, and I'm not sure that I will know until it is all said and done.  I have heard talk of karoke though.

Oh, and the part before the wedding, where the groom comes to get or take his bride will also be done in a Taiwanese way.  

So . . . that's what I know so far.

Perhaps if we weren't also having a wedding celebration in Taiwan later or perhaps if I wasn't moving back to Taiwan after the wedding or perhaps if I wasn't actually marrying a Taiwanese man I would consider doing an Asian inspired theme for our wedding.  But, as things stand now I've kinda been against the idea of a commercially done "asian" theme to the wedding here in Texas.  However, I'm not opposed to things like using Taiwanese candy as our favors or putting the character for "double hapiness" on our invitation envelopes.

our invitations

(Now, I am "live blogging"--as opposed to reposting past posts--the wedding.)

Yesterday I sent out our invitations to the American wedding.  Yipee!!

In planning our whole wedding . . . we don't necessarily want to "buck tradition," but we don't want to be bound by it or to it either.  We are seeking to do things in a simple way that doesn't cause lots of stress and that also honors our Father. 

Ever since I saw my parent's wedding invitation when I was a child--which included an engagement photo of them on the invitation--I've also wanted a photo on my own wedding invitation.  And since everyone we invite to the American wedding hasn't seen me in two years and won't meet Lawrance till August, we thought having photos on our wedding invite would help "introduce us."

Originally I was going to just make my own photo-based wedding invitations, but we decided that paying someone to design them for us might cost a little more but would be less stress.  So that is the route we took. 

We are both very pleased with the results!!

In addition to going non-traditional with the layout/design/paper of our wedding invite we also changed the words of the invite to be uniquely ours but still seem formal/traditional.

Here is the text of the invite (minus all the specific details):

With joyful hearts
Rev. & Mrs. Kenneth Parmley
invite you to join them in celebrating
the union of their daughter 

Amanda Nicole
to
Lawrance Aaron 
son of Mr. & Mrs. Sen-Song Wu
as they glorify God
for what He is graciously joining together.

On the return address label we used a "double happiness" seal/stamp.  This double happiness character is used at Taiwanese weddings and is hung on doors and walls of a new couple's room or home.  It is called "double happiness" because it is the word "joy" twice.  Kinda like "joy joy"--meaning that when two are joined together there is double the joy.

someone to walk this unknown path with

This is our story of God's grace . . .

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

It's a simple story really.
Two people learning to trust God.
Two winding paths that God made straight.
Two straight paths that He choose to cross at just the right time. 
. . .
The Creator of romance, the Maker who arranged the first "boy meets girl" in the Garden so long ago, is still at work. [Taken from Joshua Harris' book Boy Meets Girl]

When I read those words months ago when I first started dating the man I will soon marry . . . I knew those were the words I wanted to use on my blog to announce my engagement!! :)

Needless to say a lot has happened recently.  God has been kind, very kind!!

Some of you found out that I had a boyfriend in real life, some of you found out by email, but for many of you this is coming as a total shock and surprise.  :) 

I promise I didn't just decide yesterday to marry the guy next to me on the bus.  And, I also promise that we didn't keep our relationship secret from our family and in-real-life friends.  We just choose to keep our relationship off the blog for a couple of reasons. 

And, that is really what made blogging these past few months difficult . . . I couldn't blog about what I really wanted to . . . and I was kinda busy spending time with the man of my dreams. :)
 
We are working on putting our story online, so those of you who have not been walking next to us as God brought us together and we fell in love can praise God with us now as we tell our story of His grace in our lives.

You can go to our wedding site and/or wedding blog to read more, but here are the basic details:
Lord willing, Lawrance Aaron Wu and I will be married on August 31, 2008 in Texas. 
We will have another celebration here in Taiwan at the end of the year, and we will continue to live, work, and minister in Taiwan--just together, rather than apart. :)

Yes, the Lord has done amazing things for us! What joy!  (Psalm 126:3 NLT)

This coming Monday, I will, Lord willing, leave Taiwan and go Stateside for a little over two months.  I will leave single, but return married to an awesome man who loves the Lord and has a heart that beats strongly to share the gospel with the lost.  What a blessing!!

We would appreciate your prayers for us as we make all the transitions that we will face in the coming weeks and months.  Our greatest desire is for God to be glorified, please pray that as we wrap up things here, transition to a different country for awhile, and plan for both a wedding and a life together that we can keep our focus on Christ alone.

53

Only 53 days left till I go home for the summer!!! 

I can't wait!!  It's been TWO full years since I've seen my family.  That's just too long in my opinion!!  My brother has gone from little boy to young man.  My sister has gone from newlywed to new mom.  My parents have/are both changed/changing jobs, and they totally redecorated the living areas of their home.

Of course, skype video helps them feel not quite so far away . . . but it is not the same at all!!  And, I am very thankful for things like email and flickr so that I can very easily share my life and be a part of theirs as well.  Oh, so much better than waiting months for handwritten letters to cross the ocean. 

BUT . . . still . . . despite my thankfulness in technology helping us keep in touch easily . . . I am SO READY to see my family.  To hug them and touch them and sit with them and play with them and just enjoy being with them!

And . . . another way that I can tell that I am SO READY to go home is that every time I think about what I wanna eat I can only think of American foods and restaurants.  Nothing Chinese sounds good anymore.  For the past two years I've not had this "problem," but every time I know it's getting close to the time to go home I start having this "problem."  I think it is funny how we "know" things on several levels.  How subconsciously I am allowing myself to start to miss/desire American foods for the first time in two years.  Oh sure, I've had random cravings for specific foods occasionally, but not the same as every single meal time only being able to think about American foods. 

(Speaking of American foods, Mom, do you think you can make chicken and dumplings even though it will be the middle of the summer?  I've not had that in  . . .what? . . . six years now???  Pretty please!!)

wanna be

Blog posts like this make me wanna be a missionary!!! :)

amanda is ok too

Thank you to all of you who inquired about me and (as eija put it) my "bday funk."

I'll get totally honest here for a minute and explain my more cryptic statement from the original post the day after my birthday.  This one:

It is so easy to become envious of others . . . it is so easy to see what I think I lack . . . it is so easy to be selfish . . . it is so easy to sin.  Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

See, it is not really turning 30 that bothered me.  I have been feeling older (especially with my knee giving me trouble, but more about that on another day), but I don't feel "old" yet. 

The center of the matter is that I was turning 30 and still single.  I've seen all kinds of "mommy blogs" in the past few months where women turning 30 talked about how blessed they were with their loving husbands and cute kids treating them so special on their big day. 

Many people are quick to remind me that "yes, you're single but look at how God is using you."  But, there are also married women who are thirty years old with several children who are overseas missionaries too.  This position is not limited to single women.

Although VERY well meaning . . . comments like that only feed one of the myths we single women are led to believe: "God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child."

People have often told me, "God has allowed you to be single so you might do these things for Him!" While I know these people are seeking to encourage me, my gut reaction is, Why me? It's true that God may set us apart for a season of singleness, but that doesn't mean He is indifferent to our dreams.

Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" God views you a cherished child — never a utilitarian object. A loving Father will give you good gifts at just the right time.

My comfort in being 30 and still single can not come from whether or not "God is using me."  It must come from who He is . . . God of all creation, the Author of my life's story, the One who clears this unknown path I am walking on.  My comfort and hope must come only from trusting the One who is eternally both all-good and all-powerful.

See, the problem on my 30th birthday was this: my eyes were one me.  "Why so downcast, O, my soul?"  Because I was not placing my hope where it should rightly be.  And, honestly, I didn't want to either--I wanted to "just this once have the right to be discontent."

Praise the Lord for being quick to forgive!

And, praise Him too for, once again, placing a song in my heart! :)

Well I wanna thank you now
For being patient with me
Oh it's so hard to see
When my eyes are on me
I guess I'll have to trust
And just believe what you say

(This is the chorus of the awesome song "Make My Life a Prayer" by Keith Green, one of my all time favorite musicians.)

from my 1999 journal

In the summer of 1999, I moved to Taiwan to be an exchange student for a year.  It was a very difficult summer.  I recently came across my journal from that year as an exchange student.  Reading the pages brings tears to my eyes--what a life changing experience. 

Tucked inside the front cover was this:

This summer I struggled with the conflict between the God I know and the situations I found myself in.  It was this last month in my time alone with Him that God both convicted me and comforted me with "I am your Father, what child would I forsake?  When you are in my will, all is well." 

Our feelings and experiences provide inaccurate pictures of God.  Accuracy should be left to history and Scripture.  God showed me that I need to remember that revelation has priority over experience!

When we base our decisions and faith solely on experiences and emotions, we might miss Truth.  What an important, but difficult, lesson to learn.

my struggle with evangelical piety

As I was skimming through this article, Has God Called You?, by Albert Mohler, I nodded in TOTAL agreement to the bolded part below.

One key issue here is a common misunderstanding about the will of God. Some models of evangelical piety imply that God's will is something difficult for us to accept. We sometimes confuse this further by talking about "surrendering" to the will of God. As Paul makes clear in Romans 12:2, the will of God is good, worthy of eager acceptance, and perfect. Those called by God to preach will be given a desire to preach as well as the gifts of preaching. Beyond this, the God-called preacher will feel the same compulsion as the great Apostle, who said, "Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!" [1 Corinthians 9:16, ESV]

Consider your calling. Do you sense that God is calling you to ministry, whether as pastor or another servant of the Church? Do you burn with a compulsion to proclaim the Word, share the Gospel, and care for God's flock? Has this call been confirmed and encouraged by those Christians who know you best?

God still calls . . . has He called you?

When I was finishing up grad school in 2002-2003, I was faced with "what next?" 

I actually considered the fact that I desired to be in Taiwan a sign that it must not be God's will for me.  I actually thought that I should have to struggle and surrender to a task that I didn't want to do in order for it to be pleasing to God. 

WHAT!?!?!  Why would I think such a thing?

So, I started looking at other countries.  Some friends in Japan had invited me to come work along side them, so I replied with interest.  I began to look at organizations that I could serve with in China. 

Then another terrible thought occurred to me . . . "what if it is not Asia?"  So, I contemplated South America and Africa. 

I cannot explain in mere words what this was doing to my heart.  I was willing to follow God anywhere He wanted to send me, but I was sure that meant I must suffer, that I couldn't be happy or joyful about it.  Why I fell prey to this evangelical piety line of thinking remains to me a mystery.

However, this reopening of looking for a place to go was making me much like those waves in the first chapter of James--driven and tossed by the wind.  I remember in at least one sermon long ago, my dad compared that Greek word used there to the agitation cycle of a washing machine.  The twist and turn, twist and turn of all that water going no where.  Yep, that what it was . . .  my heart stuck in a perpetual spin-cycle of emotion.

By God's merciful grace, a godly couple I had met on a mission trip to Hong Kong some years before were in town and wanted to meet up.  As we sat in the Chinese restaurant, and I poured out my heart, expressing my desire to follow God suffer for God. 

Oh, I will never, ever forget the looks on their faces.  I was unable to discern the falsehood of the evangelical piety lies I had fallen subject to, but they sure were able to.  They responded first in utter shock to the words spewing from my mouth and then with loving kindness spoke scripture to me. 

For the first time in months, I was able to see that when we follow God's will there IS joy.  And that is OK.  That being obedient, although not easy and not without sacrifice, is a thing that is full of joy and happiness.  Oh how everything changed that day!  Praise God for the people in our lives who speak the truth in love to us!

Please don't hear me wrong--being obedient is not easy.  But that doesn't mean it must be a dreadful, terrible thing that we will hate doing.  God is kind.  Like that second quote by Betty Scott Stam I posted two weeks ago, when we release the little trinkets we've been clinging to, He replaces them with precious treasures.  Letting go of those little trinkets might seem hard at the time, but accepting those precious treasures?  Never. 

Our God is a God who gives desires to His children who delight in him.  How neat is that!?!  Oh, what a great God He is!!

God's will is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:2).  Amen!

isn't He good?

This Sovereign Grace Song has been playing on repeat in my head again:

Your goodness
Found us in the darkness
Rescued us and freed us
Cleansed us from within
You saved us
Freely You forgave us
Counted us as righteous
And heirs with Your own Son

Isn’t He good, isn’t He kind
Hasn’t He blessed us time after time
Isn’t He good, all of our days
With endless mercies
And ceaseless grace
Oh let us sing: He is good

Your mercies meet us
With the daybreak
And every breath that we take
Points us to Your grace
Your power
Keeps us till the hour
Every knee will bow and
Worship Christ alone

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21, ESV)

Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21, NLT)

Betty's prayer

"Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Your will for my life.  I give myself, my life, my all utterly to You to be Yours forever.  Fill me and seal me with Your Holy Spirit.  Use me as You want, send me where You want, work out Your whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever."

Written by Betty Scott Stam (raised as an MK in China, she later was a missionary to China herself who watched as Communists killed her husband before they killed her too; whole amazing story here).

Elisabeth Elliot copied this prayer into her Bible and signed it when she was ten or eleven.  After finding it in one of Elisabeth Elliot's books, I copied it into my journal and signed it when I was in high school (I did change the Thees and Thous to Yous and Yours). 

Both Betty and Elisabeth sacrificed much to serve their Lord.  I, of course, have given so little compared to them.  However, the Lord has completely changed my original desires and hopes, altered my own plans and purposes.  For this I am glad.  Betty's prayer remains my heart's cry to this day. 

"When we consecrate ourselves to God, we think we are making a great sacrifice, and doing lots for Him, when really we are only letting go some little, bitsie trinkets we have been grabbing, and when our hands are empty, He fills them full of His treasures." (Betty Scott Stam)

evangelism

I "share" the posts I read and think others would benefit from reading.  But sometimes, simply sharing them in my sidebar is not enough.  For example, there are parts of this clip below from Pulpit Magazine written by Jesse Johnson that I would totally highlight, underline and draw stars next too if I could mark up a computer screen!!

All believers are to be active in evangelism. In fact, all four Gospels end with Jesus commanding believers to bring salvation to the lost (Matt. 28:19; Mark 16:15; Luke 24:47; John 20:21). Jesus’ last earthly words were another repetition of this same command, to bear witness to the gospel (Acts 1:8). It is not an overstatement to say that all Christians should be driven by a love for evangelism. After all, it is our mission in life.

But while all Christians are called to be active in evangelism, not all Christians are equally gifted at this particular calling. Acts 21:8 and Ephesians 4:11 both imply that some have the gift of evangelism and some do not. But God in His wisdom has still called all Christians to evangelize.

Thus, one of the marks of a Christian is a love for evangelism. If you are fearful, evangelism gives you the opportunity to trust God for courage. If you are timid, evangelism gives you an opportunity to trust God for confidence. Christians are slaves to Christ, soldiers in His service, and sons of God. Our master, our general, and our Father has given us our orders: to reach the lost with the hope of the gospel.

As Christians, we love what God loves, and God loves the lost. As we become more and more sanctified, we become more and more like Christ. This growth causes us to grow in our love for those who are still God’s enemies.

celebrating Advent as a single woman away from home

This is my first time to celebrate Advent.  And, I'm excited about it.  One of my biggest desires is to rebuild anticipation into the season . . . to recapture wonder and awe . . . but instead of directed towards the concept of Christmas as it was when I was a child . . . to direct towards love of my Savior. 

After being away from home for five Christmases so far I've come to the conclusion that being away from family at Christmas time is hard--uh, I probably could have told you that after just the first one.  And, I think that being single and barren at Christmas is also really hard--this is a family holiday.  So, what's a girl to do when she is single, childless, and living across the ocean from her family?

Once I tried basically ignoring it and pretending it didn't really matter.  A few times I tried to only focus on it on Christmas Day--to think about it for a whole month would just be too difficult.  But, last year, I changed. . . I made it a point to make it special and started to build my own traditions.  I also discovered Advent and decided that this year I would celebrate it.   

So, for the first time, I am fully embracing the holiday as a single adult on my own.  I am building my own traditions . . . that hopefully I will one day be able to share with my husband and children.  I am creating things now that I hope to use with my kids. . . and if I never have children, I will share them with my little neighbors and use them myself. 

But I am refusing to play the ostrich this year.  Sticking my head in the sand and pretending this holiday isn't really there--which is easy when no one around really celebrates it--isn't an option.  I will spend this month in awe and wonder  . . . in anticipation.  Christ has come and is going to return.  He is our hope. Our salvation.

Oh what glorious, wonderful news!

when i was a child . . . .

. . . I dreamed of being a missionary to Africa and living in a hut. 

In the morning, I would work along side my neighbors doing the same manual labor they did and be a teacher too; in the afternoon, I would be a doctor; in the evenings, I would tell Bible stories beside the fire; and at night, when everyone else was sleeping I would spend time with Jesus, write books, and compose songs because I was also going to be a singer just like Sandi Patti.  Oh, and don't forget at the same time I was going to be a mother to about 12 children--most of them adopted.  [If you'd like to know more about my plans that I had detailed out, ask my mom she loves to tease me about them.]

It is amazing how God gives us the desires of our hearts!  Praise Him!! 

Oh, I know I don't live that EXACT life, yet I am living out my childhood dreams in a way only He could fashion.  He has allowed me to live in a foreign land and share the Good News with others!!  What a blessing!

It's interesting how in my humanity little inklings of desires still remain, and I still long for what others have.   I read about others living in "foreign lands" and think "oh, I wanna be a missionary!!"

I often don't feel like "a real missionary."  I am just an average girl doing what she has desired to do for most of her life.

I don't feel like I'm making sacrifices.  I have running water and electricity, I don't live in a hut, I don't have a dirt floor, and I don't have to eat bugs.  I don't feel like I live in an exotic place.  And, I forget I can speak a foreign language--most people I know speak at least three, if not more, languages.

Really, I don't think I am all that adventuresome either--I mean come on, I read about people who have to climb rope ladders to get into their homes and cross narrow suspension bridges to get to work--those are the real adventurers among us. 

When I stop to look at where I am in life--I stand amazed at what God has done.  I marvel at His goodness and His grace.  I have done nothing whatsoever to deserve what He has done and is doing in and through me. 

I am so blessed to be living here in Taiwan!!  I am in awe at how He, the Master Potter, has fashioned me, a simple jar of clay, for being here right at this time and in this place.  Oh praise His holy name!!!

I've always wondered about that verse in Proverbs 37: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."  I've always wondered if it means that when you delighted in Him He gave you the desire (that the desires were from Him) OR if it meant that He would grant the desires of my heart.  Maybe it means both. 

when i grow up . . .

I want to be a real missionary like her . . . or her (great book) . . . or her  . . . or any number of the bloggers listed here.

i want to be a mommy

(I know nothing about Kellie Coffey except for this song.)

Many women in my family (including me) have PCOS, which is the leading cause of infertility in women.  1 in 10 women have it. 

The powerful emotion that this song evokes causes tears to stream down my face.  I long to have a family, to be a wife, to be a mom . . . this singer has tapped into my heart of hearts, but even she has more than I do.  She has a "husband to love." 

It would be so easy to be bitter and envious.

But you know . . . in reality--in the nitty-gritty-in-your-face-this-is-life reality--I would still choose to be single and childless if it means God is better glorified in my life.  Oh, make no mistake, being a wife and a mother is something I really, really want!!!  But glorifying God is something I want even more.  (Clarification: Not that he wouldn't be glorified if I became a wife and a mom, but only He who knows how he can best be glorified in my life.)

Tears continue to fall.

He is all-powerful--He can do what he wants when he wants. 

He is all-good--He is a gracious, loving Father who gives good gifts and keeps his promises.  He has met my greatest need of all and blessed me way beyond I deserve. 

What right do I have to be bitter or envious?  None whatsoever.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. (Psalm 73:25)

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two Additional Thoughts
First, you know what else? Even though her song is powerful and brings tears to my eyes each time I watch it, I am not sure I would be willing to die in order to become a wife and a mom.  Namely, the pragmatics of it just don't make sense.  If I died to become a wife or a mom, well then I can't really be a wife or a mom now can I?  I'd be dead. 

Second, after I first heard this song . . . I later thought about the One who HAS died for me.  . . it is humbling.  I am grateful for His tender loving mercy and everlasting grace.  How undeserving I am!  . . . yes, the tears are falling again.

oh, baby!

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

Babies--they are so precious. 

I know not if I will ever be a mother.  I know not if I will ever experience what if feels like to have a human being intricately woven inside of me.  I long to . . . I desire to . . . but, I know not.

For now, I must be content with holding little bundles of blessings that belong to others (like the one pictured here who belongs to one of my students).  I can cradle them, snuggle with them, sing to them, rub my cheek against their fuzzy heads, kiss their chubby little cheeks, and then I must give them back to their moms and dads.  It is not easy to stay content when everything inside of screams with the desire to be a mother. 

Instead of children to raise, all I have for now is hope.  And, I don't even know if that hope will ever not be deferred.   All I know is that for now it is. 

But that is ok, because like I mentioned yesterday, the Most High God is both all-good and all-powerful all the time.  He saw me while I was still an unformed substance. He cannot not keep His promises.  He is a great gift-giver, a Father who likes to give gifts to his children.  He is trustworthy.  It is far more than worthwhile for me to trust Him alone--even with deferred hopes and strong desires.

Father, I thank you for so graciously helping me not to covet, not to envy.  I could not on my own.  Please continue to keep bitterness at bay and hope, even though deferred, burning bright.  I place my trust in You alone.

This post was submitted to the Carnival of Beauty sponsored by following an unknown path.  This week the theme is The Beauty of Babies and is being hosted here. Join us next week for The Beauty of Humility over at Scribbling by Blair.