I'll get totally honest here for a minute and explain my more cryptic statement from the original post the day after my birthday. This one:
It is so easy to become envious of others . . . it is so easy to see what I think I lack . . . it is so easy to be selfish . . . it is so easy to sin. Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.See, it is not really turning 30 that bothered me. I have been feeling older (especially with my knee giving me trouble, but more about that on another day), but I don't feel "old" yet.
The center of the matter is that I was turning 30 and still single. I've seen all kinds of "mommy blogs" in the past few months where women turning 30 talked about how blessed they were with their loving husbands and cute kids treating them so special on their big day.
Many people are quick to remind me that "yes, you're single but look at how God is using you." But, there are also married women who are thirty years old with several children who are overseas missionaries too. This position is not limited to single women.
Although VERY well meaning . . . comments like that only feed one of the myths we single women are led to believe: "God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child."
People have often told me, "God has allowed you to be single so you might do these things for Him!" While I know these people are seeking to encourage me, my gut reaction is, Why me? It's true that God may set us apart for a season of singleness, but that doesn't mean He is indifferent to our dreams.My comfort in being 30 and still single can not come from whether or not "God is using me." It must come from who He is . . . God of all creation, the Author of my life's story, the One who clears this unknown path I am walking on. My comfort and hope must come only from trusting the One who is eternally both all-good and all-powerful.
Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" God views you a cherished child — never a utilitarian object. A loving Father will give you good gifts at just the right time.
See, the problem on my 30th birthday was this: my eyes were one me. "Why so downcast, O, my soul?" Because I was not placing my hope where it should rightly be. And, honestly, I didn't want to either--I wanted to "just this once have the right to be discontent."
Praise the Lord for being quick to forgive!
And, praise Him too for, once again, placing a song in my heart! :)
Well I wanna thank you now
For being patient with me
Oh it's so hard to see
When my eyes are on me
I guess I'll have to trust
And just believe what you say
(This is the chorus of the awesome song "Make My Life a Prayer" by Keith Green, one of my all time favorite musicians.)