Sunday, April 02, 2006

mommy-longings amplified Lately, I have been doing ok in the "fine with being single" area. Learning to wait and trust. What has been giving me problems however is the "mommy-longings." Being around babies is so great!! I was around them all last summer in the States and then now there are two little ones I get to see and hold often. Just holding one brings me great joy and comfort. There is a special feeling only to be had when a baby is pressed against you. Problem is this--it makes me want my own. It makes me wonder if I will ever be allowed to be a mother or if I will find my joy always in holding and loving other's babies. Unfilled Desires . . . Unmet longings . . . The tears are falling. Here is where rubber meets the road. You see, God has been reminding me of how he has worked so beautifully in my life in the past. He has be telling me about his goodness to me in the past. Maybe there is a reason he is doing this. Each episode or post in the why Taiwan series is about me having a desire--a God-given desire--then me trying to scheme for it to become reality, me yeilding to Him, and then God providing in ways amazingly better than I could ever have dreamed of. He even very recently has been teaching me in small ways that he really does care about me, that he has compassion for me. Could it be that he is trying to tell me something? I hear him whispering . . . "Oh, Amanda, be still. Don't scheme. Don't plot and plan. Trust ME. I am a good God, and I love you. I give good gifts--and you can trust that I only give these gifts at the right time. My way is oh so much better than yours--wait and see. I will prove I am right." And I do trust that he is both all good and all powerful. And I am waiting. But to stop the wondering and the envy is hard. Why are others (especially when they are younger than me) being given these gifts--marriage and motherhood--and I am not? Oh Holy Spirit--help me to live beyond myself; help me to be different than I am. Oh, and Jesus, thank you so much for giving those around me babies for me to love on. I really like it a lot.

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