Friday, June 16, 2006

so, what do i do? After posting about my official extended singleness and then about a battle with Envy recently, I decided to explore the topic a little more this week. The thing is, I now know coveting is not good. But what about longing--a strong persistant desire? It wasn't too long ago that I was void of all longings for marriage. At about the age of 16 or 17, God convicted me of desiring marriage and motherhood more than desiring Him. I repented of this, and He simply lifted the desire from my h eart. Early in my college years, I struggled once with a friend getting engaged, and God just laid it out for me: He was a good God who gave good gifts. Marriage was a gift; singleness was a gift. I should celebrate my own gift, and celebrate with others when He gifts them with marriage. This perspective helped me handle all the future college engagements I would be exposed to. Like I have mentioned before, I have never truly dated. In high school, I always assumed I'd get married in college--just like my mom and dad did. But, college came and went without even a single date. But, I didn't really notice. I was content with serving the Lord and growing closer to Him. So, for about ten years, I was content. No dating, no courting, no beaus, no worries. I was happy learning and growing. I enjoyed knowing more about the Bible and how to apply it to my life. I learned more about what praise, prayer, and servant leadership meant in practice. But then . . . sometime within the past year . . . the desire to be a wife and a mother returned. And it came back strong! In her book, Carolyn compares the growing of this desire to an alarm clock that gets louder with every beep. Mine wasn't a soft beep that slowly grew into a louder beep; mine was the kind that has two bells on the side and suddenly blasts into the air out of seemingly no where. So, what do I do with it? First, I acknowledge that it is there---that was actually a huge step for me. Then I must look at what this means. It could mean that even the longings are sin--that I have taken back what I gave to God. That I no longer acknowledge his Lordship in my life. --OR-- It could be that since He is the one who gives desires that He is preparing me for something new. Getting my heart ready for what is further along in this unknown path. --OR-- Maybe I am just at a point in the path where God is teaching me more about Him and His grace and is using these longings to do the teaching. So, what can I do? I give it back to the One from which it came. I am honest with Him about what I am feeling and experiencing. I place my hope...

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