Thursday, April 10, 2008

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fighting for joy and sampling infinity It is good for our days to remind us that we are a small dot on the landscape of time, and that eternity holds the sweeping brush strokes of a masterwork of which we, at present, are only catching glimpses. . . . God is real and wondrous, the Spirit instructs us in all knowledge and wisdom, and Christ is both present and coming, calling us further up and farther in to his kingdom. The thoughts of God are well beyond our own. All of creation declares the glory and power of its creator. And we are at present only sampling infinity. -- Jill Carattini of Ravi Zacharias International Ministries Yesterday morning I had to fight for joy. I had to seek to continually remind myself that it's not about me. When the CD player didn't work for my listening class . . . when the room was sticky hot with humidity and an AC that didn't work . . . when a student accidently stepped on my foot bending the nail on my big toe backwards spilling blood everywhere . . . when I left my whimpering dog alone at home . . . when my office was in an upheaval of rearranging all the funiture while I needed to prepare for class . . . when I thought of home . . . when I wanted to have a pity party. Oh, how I wanted to feel sorry for myself! But . . . reality is: it is not about me. I am but a "small dot on the landscape of time." All day long I was faced with the same choice over and over again . . . to wallow in self-pity or choose joy. It is so easy to become envious of others . . . it is so easy to see what I think I lack . . . it is so easy to be selfish . . . it is so easy to sin. Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Praise God that he is merciful and gracious! Unlike my 16th birthday where I did choose to wallow in self-pity throwing an emotional hissy-fit when I thought that the world should be revolving around me and it wasn't . . . yesterday I fought to choose joy. I still look at the pictures of that 16 year old with her purple braces and purple silk shirt similng at the camera holding up her purple birthday gifts and all I remember from that day is my own depravity and self-centeredness. Oh, how selfcentered and selfish I was on my 16th birthday! The morning of my 30th birthday wasn't easy. Tears were spilled . . . more than once. I had to heavily rely upon the grace and goodness of our Lord to empower me to be able to keep a positive attitude. I depended greatly on the Spirit bringing to mind scripture in order to keep my heart pure....
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amanda is ok too Thank you to all of you who inquired about me and (as eija put it) my "bday funk." I'll get totally honest here for a minute and explain my more cryptic statement from the original post the day after my birthday. This one: It is so easy to become envious of others . . . it is so easy to see what I think I lack . . . it is so easy to be selfish . . . it is so easy to sin. Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.See, it is not really turning 30 that bothered me. I have been feeling older (especially with my knee giving me trouble, but more about that on another day), but I don't feel "old" yet. The center of the matter is that I was turning 30 and still single. I've seen all kinds of "mommy blogs" in the past few months where women turning 30 talked about how blessed they were with their loving husbands and cute kids treating them so special on their big day. Many people are quick to remind me that "yes, you're single but look at how God is using you." But, there are also married women who are thirty years old with several children who are overseas missionaries too. This position is not limited to single women. Although VERY well meaning . . . comments like that only feed one of the myths we single women are led to believe: "God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child." People have often told me, "God has allowed you to be single so you might do these things for Him!" While I know these people are seeking to encourage me, my gut reaction is, Why me? It's true that God may set us apart for a season of singleness, but that doesn't mean He is indifferent to our dreams. Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" God views you a cherished child — never a utilitarian object. A loving Father will give you good gifts at just the right time.My comfort in being 30 and still single can not come from whether or not "God is using me." It must come from who He is . . . God of all creation, the Author of my life's story, the One who clears this unknown path I am walking on. My comfort and hope must come only from trusting the One who is eternally both all-good and all-powerful. See, the problem on my 30th birthday was this: my eyes were one me. "Why so downcast, O, my soul?" Because I was not placing my hope where it should rightly be. And, honestly, I didn't want to either--I wanted to "just this once have the right to be discontent." Praise the...

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