following an unknown path

celebrating Advent as a single woman away from home

This is my first time to celebrate Advent.  And, I'm excited about it.  One of my biggest desires is to rebuild anticipation into the season . . . to recapture wonder and awe . . . but instead of directed towards the concept of Christmas as it was when I was a child . . . to direct towards love of my Savior. 

After being away from home for five Christmases so far I've come to the conclusion that being away from family at Christmas time is hard--uh, I probably could have told you that after just the first one.  And, I think that being single and barren at Christmas is also really hard--this is a family holiday.  So, what's a girl to do when she is single, childless, and living across the ocean from her family?

Once I tried basically ignoring it and pretending it didn't really matter.  A few times I tried to only focus on it on Christmas Day--to think about it for a whole month would just be too difficult.  But, last year, I changed. . . I made it a point to make it special and started to build my own traditions.  I also discovered Advent and decided that this year I would celebrate it.   

So, for the first time, I am fully embracing the holiday as a single adult on my own.  I am building my own traditions . . . that hopefully I will one day be able to share with my husband and children.  I am creating things now that I hope to use with my kids. . . and if I never have children, I will share them with my little neighbors and use them myself. 

But I am refusing to play the ostrich this year.  Sticking my head in the sand and pretending this holiday isn't really there--which is easy when no one around really celebrates it--isn't an option.  I will spend this month in awe and wonder  . . . in anticipation.  Christ has come and is going to return.  He is our hope. Our salvation.

Oh what glorious, wonderful news!

when i was a child . . . .

. . . I dreamed of being a missionary to Africa and living in a hut. 

In the morning, I would work along side my neighbors doing the same manual labor they did and be a teacher too; in the afternoon, I would be a doctor; in the evenings, I would tell Bible stories beside the fire; and at night, when everyone else was sleeping I would spend time with Jesus, write books, and compose songs because I was also going to be a singer just like Sandi Patti.  Oh, and don't forget at the same time I was going to be a mother to about 12 children--most of them adopted.  [If you'd like to know more about my plans that I had detailed out, ask my mom she loves to tease me about them.]

It is amazing how God gives us the desires of our hearts!  Praise Him!! 

Oh, I know I don't live that EXACT life, yet I am living out my childhood dreams in a way only He could fashion.  He has allowed me to live in a foreign land and share the Good News with others!!  What a blessing!

It's interesting how in my humanity little inklings of desires still remain, and I still long for what others have.   I read about others living in "foreign lands" and think "oh, I wanna be a missionary!!"

I often don't feel like "a real missionary."  I am just an average girl doing what she has desired to do for most of her life.

I don't feel like I'm making sacrifices.  I have running water and electricity, I don't live in a hut, I don't have a dirt floor, and I don't have to eat bugs.  I don't feel like I live in an exotic place.  And, I forget I can speak a foreign language--most people I know speak at least three, if not more, languages.

Really, I don't think I am all that adventuresome either--I mean come on, I read about people who have to climb rope ladders to get into their homes and cross narrow suspension bridges to get to work--those are the real adventurers among us. 

When I stop to look at where I am in life--I stand amazed at what God has done.  I marvel at His goodness and His grace.  I have done nothing whatsoever to deserve what He has done and is doing in and through me. 

I am so blessed to be living here in Taiwan!!  I am in awe at how He, the Master Potter, has fashioned me, a simple jar of clay, for being here right at this time and in this place.  Oh praise His holy name!!!

I've always wondered about that verse in Proverbs 37: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."  I've always wondered if it means that when you delighted in Him He gave you the desire (that the desires were from Him) OR if it meant that He would grant the desires of my heart.  Maybe it means both. 

when i grow up . . .

I want to be a real missionary like her . . . or her (great book) . . . or her  . . . or any number of the bloggers listed here.

i want to be a mommy

(I know nothing about Kellie Coffey except for this song.)

Many women in my family (including me) have PCOS, which is the leading cause of infertility in women.  1 in 10 women have it. 

The powerful emotion that this song evokes causes tears to stream down my face.  I long to have a family, to be a wife, to be a mom . . . this singer has tapped into my heart of hearts, but even she has more than I do.  She has a "husband to love." 

It would be so easy to be bitter and envious.

But you know . . . in reality--in the nitty-gritty-in-your-face-this-is-life reality--I would still choose to be single and childless if it means God is better glorified in my life.  Oh, make no mistake, being a wife and a mother is something I really, really want!!!  But glorifying God is something I want even more.  (Clarification: Not that he wouldn't be glorified if I became a wife and a mom, but only He who knows how he can best be glorified in my life.)

Tears continue to fall.

He is all-powerful--He can do what he wants when he wants. 

He is all-good--He is a gracious, loving Father who gives good gifts and keeps his promises.  He has met my greatest need of all and blessed me way beyond I deserve. 

What right do I have to be bitter or envious?  None whatsoever.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. (Psalm 73:25)

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two Additional Thoughts
First, you know what else? Even though her song is powerful and brings tears to my eyes each time I watch it, I am not sure I would be willing to die in order to become a wife and a mom.  Namely, the pragmatics of it just don't make sense.  If I died to become a wife or a mom, well then I can't really be a wife or a mom now can I?  I'd be dead. 

Second, after I first heard this song . . . I later thought about the One who HAS died for me.  . . it is humbling.  I am grateful for His tender loving mercy and everlasting grace.  How undeserving I am!  . . . yes, the tears are falling again.

oh, baby!

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

Babies--they are so precious. 

I know not if I will ever be a mother.  I know not if I will ever experience what if feels like to have a human being intricately woven inside of me.  I long to . . . I desire to . . . but, I know not.

For now, I must be content with holding little bundles of blessings that belong to others (like the one pictured here who belongs to one of my students).  I can cradle them, snuggle with them, sing to them, rub my cheek against their fuzzy heads, kiss their chubby little cheeks, and then I must give them back to their moms and dads.  It is not easy to stay content when everything inside of screams with the desire to be a mother. 

Instead of children to raise, all I have for now is hope.  And, I don't even know if that hope will ever not be deferred.   All I know is that for now it is. 

But that is ok, because like I mentioned yesterday, the Most High God is both all-good and all-powerful all the time.  He saw me while I was still an unformed substance. He cannot not keep His promises.  He is a great gift-giver, a Father who likes to give gifts to his children.  He is trustworthy.  It is far more than worthwhile for me to trust Him alone--even with deferred hopes and strong desires.

Father, I thank you for so graciously helping me not to covet, not to envy.  I could not on my own.  Please continue to keep bitterness at bay and hope, even though deferred, burning bright.  I place my trust in You alone.

This post was submitted to the Carnival of Beauty sponsored by following an unknown path.  This week the theme is The Beauty of Babies and is being hosted here. Join us next week for The Beauty of Humility over at Scribbling by Blair.

found another one!!

I found another baby to love!! 

Actually, this is a baby I've loved on many times before.  His English name is Enoch.  This day though, he was not feeling well.

i really want one

This precious baby is my "Taiwanese nephew."  He is a few months old and, oh, so cute. 

By "Taiwanese nephew" I mean . . . my best friend's brother's son. :)  (My best friend's family treats me like their third daughter/sister.)

I LOVE babies!  And--as you can tell from the title of this post--yes, I still long to be a mommy.

remembering

One Saturday night my freshmen year in college, my roommate and I went to find ice cream at 10 pm in the middle of winter.  Finding none and forgetting that coffee contains caffeine, we opted for large coffees at a bookstore.  When we got back to our dorm room just before curfew, we tried to go to sleep, but obviously could not.

So, instead of fighting it we both pulled out photo albums of mission trips we'd taken during our high school years.  We sat on that bottom loft bed, side-by-side till the wee hours of the morning flipping pages, pointing to pictures, and telling each other story after story of God's goodness, God's power, God's love.  It was a night I will never, ever forget.

For me the beauty of photographs is that they help us remember who our God is . . similar to the stones of remembrance in the Old Testament.  Looking at pictures from days gone by . . . whether they be family photos, vacation photos, mission trip photos, or just old random snapshots . . . I can't help but remember how faithful God has been in keeping His promises.

Even photos from the "rough times" in life, still speak to how He was faithful to carry us through--that even in bad situations He still remained all-powerful and all-good.  Even photos that are before I was born--of my grandparents when they were children or of my parents on their wedding day--these older photos serve as a testimony of how God has worked in and through the various generations of my family.

For me, the beauty of a photograph is that it inevitably causes my heart to swell with praise and thankfulness to the Most High God for all that He has blessed me with and for all that he is.  Now isn't that a great reason to flip (physically or virtually) though photo albums!?!

valentine's day

Some jokingly call it National Single's Awareness Day.  But, living in Taiwan, I don't really have the full impact of the holiday like those of you in America do.  Sure people know it is V-day, and yes young dating couples will go out tonight, but I am not reminded everywhere I go that I am alone once more on a lover's holiday.

Last year, I took a personal retreat right at this time.  It was such a good experience I decided to make it an annual tradition.  This year, however, things will be a little different.  I leave tomorrow morning to another country for a little over a week, so I am spending V-day cleaning and packing.  I do hope though that I get to spend some of my time in the other country alone with God, reflecting on the past and praying about the future. 

It is only a focus on God, the lover of my soul, on days like this that allow me to keep going.  By focusing on Him and His grace, on Him and His work in my life, on Him and Him alone can I prevent days like today from becoming pity parties. 

Because I promise you, on days like today the enemy is actively whispering in my ear lies of deceit.  And the only way to ward off the envy and self-pity is to take my eyes off of me and what I don't have and place them on Him, all that He is, and begin to count my blessings.

And remember: "don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life" (the Message's paraphrase of part of 1 Corthians 7).

I wish all of you a very Happy Valentines Day!!

not yet

In Chinese, when asked "are you married?"  the answer is either "yes" or "not yet."  You can not answer this question "no."

At first and until a year or two ago, this really bugged me. 

By saying "not yet" it implies that one day I will be married.  If I was trusting in God's sovereignty and providence, who was I to claim that I would one day be married?  It felt it quite presumptuous of me to say "not yet."

That was until God taught me about hope.  Hope is not wishful thinking and longing.  Hope is placing my trust in a all-kind, all-knowing, all-powerful God.  Knowing that he has already provided for me what I need most--Himself, a Savior, the Messiah.

I was speaking with an older single woman recently and I confided in her how my heart was changing because of hope.  That it was ok for me to say "I am not married yet.  I want to be.  I am preparing to be a wife; when I make decisions now, I do so thinking about how it might possible impact my future husband.  However, if I never marry that is ok too." 

She immediately jumped on my thoughts and told me I was not at peace with being single--how could I be at peace with being single but still long to be a wife at the same time?  She told me I should pray for God to either give me a husband right away or for him to completely remove all feelings of longing to be a wife.  That if I was longing and He was not providing, I was not right with God. 

We, as single women, hear this kind of "wisdom" all the time.  I used to believe it.  Now I don't. 

It is possible to be both content and hopeful at the same time.

I don't know why or how God chooses to bless the way he does.  But, that doesn't mean I still can't hope.  It doesn't mean I can't prepare for something that might never come.  It does not mean that my single years are mine to do with as I please.

Douglas Wilson explains this SO much better than I could:

[T]he time a person spends when he is single should be time spent in preparation for marriage. This is important even if he never gets married. This is because biblical preparation for marriage is nothing more than learning to follow Jesus Christ and to love one’s neighbor. In other words, preparation for Christian marriage is basically the same as preparation for Christian living. Christians are to prepare for marriage by learning self-denial, subduing their pride, and putting their neighbor first. (as quoted by Carolyn McCulley)

Oh, and by the way, now I don't mind answering the question, "are you married?" with "not yet."  In fact, that is how I answer the question in English now too!

my verse of the moment

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

(Hebrews 12:11)

online Scripture tools

About this time every year, I begin to search for a "read thru the Bible in a year" plan.   As I was searching this year, I found some cool stuff.  So, I thought I'd share it with you.

As you probably well know, there are several options of "year-long reading plans" to choose from.  If you haven't seen it yet, the ESV Bible Blog displays them in a unique way.  They are charted so that you can actualy visualize the path through scripture different plans guide you though. 

Also, on that same blog page you will find links to the various reading plans in the ESV, of which you can subscribe for the RSS feed of the reading plan (here are all the ESV Bible RSS Feeds avaliable). 

(I think) I have choosen the chronological reading plan for 2007.  When I clicked to look at today's reading, I noticed a little "listen" link.  I clicked.  I listened.  I like listening to scripture being read aloud--it's historical, bibical (faith comes from hearing), and very modern all at the same time.

Some other neat tools I found are:

• the podbible produces podcasts of the CEV translation of the Bible,
• the NeXt Bible Learning Environment claims to be "a new generation of online Bible study and research tools;" it uses the NET Bible.
• Bible Gateway has a calander view with daily links to various year-long reading plans all on one nifty page.
• the ESV Bible blog also has an RSS feed or PDF file of a scripture memorization plan (more info on this plan from Between Two Worlds).
• John Piper has a sermon on treasuring God's words.  You can read or listen to it. (More of his sermons on the Bible can be found here.)

What tools or resources do you use to study or access Scripture online?
Do you try to read thru the Bible in a year?  If so, what plan do you use?

before the dreams have left my head

In the morning when I rise
Help me to prioritize
All the thoughts that fill my day
Before my schedule
Tells me that my day is full
Before I'm off and on my way

I want to praise you
I need to praise you
Let the first song that I sing
Be praises to my God and king

Before the curtains part
Before my day is starting
Before I make up the bed
Before the snooze alarm
Reminds me that it's morning
Before the dreams have left my head

I want to praise you
I need to praise you
Let the first song that I sing
Be praises to my God and king

I love the music of Sarah Groves.  Her lyrics, like those above from a song on her third album, All Right Here, often capture the cry of my heart.  Not only do I enjoy her refreshingly honest, poetic lyrics, I like the sound of her music too.  I can't wait to get her latest album into my ipod. ;)

Which Asian Country to Visit?

You Should Travel to India

You're a passionate, gusty traveler - and India's gritty urban centers won't scare you away. Maybe you'll take in the Taj Mahal, eat the best curry of your life, or attend a huge street festival.

What Asian Country Should You Visit?

You Should Travel to China

China can satisfy your craving for many travel opportunities in one trip. You can hang out in modern Shanghai, walk along the great wall, or visit sacred mountains.

What Asian Country Should You Visit?

For SO MANY of the questions I wanted to choose 2, 3, or 4 answers!!  I know it is just a silly blogthing, so I did it more than once just to see what other choice the author of the quiz was offering.  :)

I really would like to visit South Korea and Thailand--really, really want to.  I've been to China, Hong Kong, and Japan.  I wouldn't mind going back to a different part of China or Japan for that matter, and would love to explore Hong Kong with my best friend (have only been for mission trips or mission training before).  Cambodia, Vietnam, the Phillipines, Indonesia, and Singapore are places I could see myself visiting.  As is India.  But I don't see myself living in those Counties--unless God does some major reconstruction on my heart again. :)

so, what do i do?

After posting about my official extended singleness and then about a battle with Envy recently, I decided to explore the topic a little more this week.  The thing is, I now know coveting is not good. But what about longing--a strong persistant desire?

It wasn't too long ago that I was void of all longings for marriage. At about the age of 16 or 17, God convicted me of desiring marriage and motherhood more than desiring Him.  I repented of this, and He simply lifted the desire from my h eart.  Early in my college years, I struggled once with a friend getting engaged, and God just laid it out for me:  He was a good God who gave good gifts.  Marriage was a gift; singleness was a gift.  I should celebrate my own gift, and celebrate with others when He gifts them with marriage.  This perspective helped me handle all the future college engagements I would be exposed to. 

Like I have mentioned before, I have never truly dated.  In high school, I always assumed I'd get married in college--just like my mom and dad did.  But, college came and went without even a single date.  But, I didn't really notice.  I was content with serving the Lord and growing closer to Him.

So, for about ten years, I was content.  No dating, no courting, no beaus, no worries.  I was happy learning and growing.  I enjoyed knowing more about the Bible and how to apply it to my life. I learned more about what praise, prayer, and servant leadership meant in practice.

But then . . . sometime within the past year . . . the desire to be a wife and a mother returned.  And it came back strong!  In her book, Carolyn compares the growing of this desire to an alarm clock that gets louder with every beep.  Mine wasn't a soft beep that slowly grew into a louder beep; mine was the kind that has two bells on the side and suddenly blasts into the air out of seemingly no where.

So, what do I do with it? 

First, I acknowledge that it is there---that was actually a huge step for me. Then I must look at what this means.  It could mean that even the longings are sin--that I have taken back what I gave to God.  That I no longer acknowledge his Lordship in my life.  --OR-- It could be that since He is the one who gives desires that He is preparing me for something new.  Getting my heart ready for what is further along in this unknown path. --OR-- Maybe I am just at a point in the path where God is teaching me more about Him and His grace and is using these longings to do the teaching.

So, what can I do? 

I give it back to the One from which it came.  I am honest with Him about what I am feeling and experiencing.  I place my hope in Him alone.  I think there is a difference between desire and coveting.  After I prayed and asked Him to give me discernment about this new desire, as long as He doesn't say "amanda, this desire not from Me. My gift for you is singleness,"  I must guard against coveting but not squelsh the desire--a very fine line to walk.

You know, I'll be honest with ya, as long as the word I had from the Lord was "be single.  Serve me best right now by remaining unmarried." Life was easier.  No date = no worries because I knew God's best was for me to be single.  It wasn't rejection because no one found me attractive--it was obedience.  But, now, if things have changed and marriage is down the road . . . it is much easier to worry about what is wrong with me if no one pursues me.  Much easier to doubt God's soverginity and try to control things myself.

And, to be even more honest, it was easier to allow God to be God.  As long as the word I had from the Lord was to "be single" it was all good because "I" can do that.  "I" can control that.  I am thankful for His help in taking away the desires for ten years; I am thankful for His protection, guidance and grace these ten years.  But, really, it was much easier than where I am now because I didn't have to trust Him with a hope deferred--because there was nothing to hope for before. 

So, what do I do?

Well, I found an excellent book and read it.  In this book, Carolyn McCulley points single women to the Proverbs 31 woman.  Carolyn reminds us that we don't need to wait for a wedding day for our "real life" to begin.  We are to live life now.  She takes a look at each character trait of the Proverbs 31 woman and discusses how we, as single women, can cultivate that trait in our lives right now.  Excellent wisdom.  (I highly reccomend this book to all female members of the extended singleness club.)

Right now, at this moment,  God's will for me is to be single--and He knows why; He also knows whether this will ever change or not. 

So, what am I supposed to do?

I live my life enjoying Him, glorifing Him, and trusting Him that if it is His will one day I will be interrupted. 

envy, jealousy, and covetousness

I first knew about the difference between jeaously and envy in seventh grade when we had a lesson on the difference in meaning between "I am jealous of you" and "I envy you." 

Jealous: afraid of losing something you already have--specifically affection or a position
Envy: wanting something you don't have.

The example our teacher used at the time was a girl and her boyfriend.  The girl who has no boyfriend and wants one is envious of girls who have one.  The girl who has a boyfriend and doesn't like other girls talking to him is full of jealousy.

However, after my last post, I found an article on crosswalk.com entitled Why Not Me? A Single Woman's Struggle with Envy.  The author, Carolyn McCulley, explains the difference between envy and covetousness.

I didn't know about this third one and how it is different until now.  And she is right.

I probably should have used the word covet in my post yesterday--not envy.  According to both her article and dictionary.com envy is longing with resentment towards the person who has what you desire, while coveting is longing for what someone else has.

When I first read this, I actually proudly thought "oh that is good.  I don't resent.  Longing without resentment is better than longing with resentment.  This is not so bad." 

Oh, how easily we can be deceived!  Good thing I kept reading.

Carolyn points out in her article that God deals with coveting what our neighbor has in the tenth commandmant. Basically, if you will recall with me, God tells His people "Thou shalt not covet."  We are not supposed to covet--"wish, long, or crave for (something, especially the property of another person)."  In other words, it is not "not so bad."  It is sin.

You know, it is easy for me to think that I am a "good girl" and for me to give off the image that I am a "good girl" to others.  I do what I am "supposed to." I respect my elders.  I don't do overtly "bad" things.  I do a pretty good job staying away of the "things of the flesh" listed in Galations 5:19-21: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin."  Those are bad things, obviously. 

But, trust me, I still struggle with sin.  If you are a careful reader (and click thru on scripture references) or if you have memorized this passage of scripture, you will know I left out two of the things in this list of "sinful nature" qualities: jealousy and envy.  God lists envy right next to "participation in demonic activities" and "drunken orgies." 

It is easy for me to allow the hot tears of longing to flow down my cheeks as I hold a friend's newborn.  They feel like they are justified tears, good, healthy tears.  But, really, in all honesty, they are sinful tears.  I am coveting what my neighbor has.  That is not good.  The Bible clearly tells us coveting is wrong.

But there is good news for me--and for others who struggle with longing for the things that others have been blessed with.  We do not have to live under the domain of our sinful nature.  Here is how Carolyn describes it in her article:

As the apostle Paul writes in Titus, we were once enslaved to sins like envy. But then the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared! We were saved, not only from this miserable, sin-filled existence, but from the righteous wrath of God. And not only were we spared, we were made heirs according to the hope of eternal life. Heirs! We live as those who will one day inherit everything! So why do we resent when someone else receives some earthly trinket? (I am making an argument here, but I am not by extension calling marriage and family mere trinkets.) Knowing this, we are then freed to love one another earnestly. We don’t have to covet, envy, and resent what happens to us in this life. We have been set free from these passions because we have been born again of imperishable seed.

Envy and coveteousness can and should be put away.  And, thankfully, I don't have to do it in Amanda's power.  Thankfully, my gracious God has given me his Holy Spirit to help me grow in spiritual maturity to become more like Him.

it happened again

I was surfing a few blogs.  I stumble across cool women about my age or a little younger.  I like what I see and read.  Then it happens. 

I glance at the bios--"wife and mother of three"--then Envy with her long, pointy nails and deep green eyes knocks on the door.  She wants to come in and set up residence in my heart. 

After the third or fourth blog by a young happy-wife-and-mother, I close all the tabs and wonder if I'll be able to find them again, but I know I can't stay on those sites any longer right now.  In fact, I put the laptop to sleep and question whether surfing for new blogs is a good idea at all if I am going to keep encountering blogs by women five years younger than me that are married with children.  How else can I keep Evny from knocking on the door? 

And, then, my heart turns to the only place where I can find refuge.  The one place that without a doubt I can receive solace.  "Oh Daddy-God, I need you." 

In the moments that follow my cry for help, I am reminded of something I read a few weeks ago in Caroyln McCulley's book Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? (which at the moment is MIA, so I can't quote verbaitm).  She pointed out that my greatest need is a Savior.  And, since God has given me the gift of salvation, giving me a husband is a small task; moreover, I can trust Him so much and be so thankful that my greatest need of all--saving grace--has been taken care of.  After reminding me of this truth, He whispered to my heart of hearts "I am God and there is no other.  I am all-loving and all-powerful, all the time.  Trust me."

Ahh.  What a great God we have.  I am so thankful He interacts with us in a very real and personal way.  I am glad He is so very trustworthy.  I am eternally grateful for the free gift of salvation He has given to me.  He is a grace-filled God, and I am a grace-needing sinner.  Praise the Lord!  He is slow to anger and abounding in love.  Nothing is impossible for Him!

(oh, and if you are a young happy-wife-and-mother, please know i rejoice for--not resent--you, but that doesn't mean i still do not struggle with the green-eyed monster of envy when i visit your blog and read your bio.)

pour out my heart

If you have hung out with me "in person" you would know that I love music.  I constantly have music playing, and if there is none playing--I make my own.  Songs are able to express emotions and feelings I have in ways that no other means can.  For me it is: skip the shoe shopping--lets go buy some new CDs!! 

[But let me just insert here that I am a total amateur in music--can't read it, can't write it, can't tell if I am on tune or not, and am only just now starting to learn to play an instrument.  Music is just a passion.  Make a joyful noise, amen?]

Just now, as I was taking a break with Gilby in my lap, I just let my heart pick a song and started singing it.   It, my friends, is a perfect song for the Living Beyond Yourself study I am doing.

Beth (Moore) taught us last week that we need to pour out confessions and concerns in order for there to be a pouring in and pouring fourth of the Spirit in our lives.  Just look at the lyrics of this Vineyard worship song written by Craig Musseau!!!

Here I am once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that You hear
Every cry
You are listening
No matter what state my heart is in

You are faithful to answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel Your touch
You bring a freedom to all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to . . .

Pour out my heart, to say that I love You
Pour out my heart, to say that I need You
Pour out my heart, to say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart, To say that You're wonderful!

But, lyrics alone aren't enough . . . you must listen to this song!  It is AWESOME!  (Here is a clip of it I found online.)

mommy-longings amplified

Lately, I have been doing ok in the "fine with being single" area.  Learning to wait and trust.  What has been giving me problems however is the "mommy-longings." 

Being around babies is so great!! 

I was around them all last summer in the States and then now there are two little ones I get to see and hold often.  Just holding one brings me great joy and comfort.  There is a special feeling only to be had when a baby is pressed against you. 

Problem is this--it makes me want my own.  It makes me wonder if I will ever be allowed to be a mother or if I will find my joy always in holding and loving other's babies. 

Unfilled Desires . . .   Unmet longings . . . The tears are falling. 

Here is where rubber meets the road. 

You see, God has been reminding me of how he has worked so beautifully in my life in the past.  He has be telling me about his goodness to me in the past.  Maybe there is a reason he is doing this.  Each episode or post in the why Taiwan series is about me having a desire--a God-given desire--then me trying to scheme for it to become reality, me yeilding to Him, and then God providing in ways amazingly better than I could ever have dreamed of. 

He even very recently has been teaching me in small ways that he really does care about me, that he has compassion for me.

Could it be that he is trying to tell me something?

I hear him whispering . . . "Oh, Amanda, be still.  Don't scheme.  Don't plot and plan.  Trust ME.  I am a good God, and I love you.  I give good gifts--and you can trust that I only give these gifts at the right time.  My way is oh so much better than yours--wait and see.  I will prove I am right."

And I do trust that he is both all good and all powerful.  And I am waiting. 

But to stop the wondering and the envy is hard.  Why are others (especially when they are younger than me) being given these gifts--marriage and motherhood--and I am not? 

Oh Holy Spirit--help me to live beyond myself; help me to be different than I am.  Oh, and Jesus, thank you so much for giving those around me babies for me to love on.  I really like it a lot. 

my fridge died

When I was putting away the groceries last week, my fridge quit blowing cold air.  Just stopped.  Completely stopped.  Admittedly, it is old--it is not surprising that it was in the last days of sharing with me its frigid air.  It was also a gift--given to me by some missionary friends from Meinong.   I guess holding the door open that long to put away stuff just caused the fridge to finally give out, blowing its last cold puff of air on my face and hands.

My immediate reaction was to panic.  My heart started to race.  I worried about all the meats I had just bought--what a waste.  I worried about replacing the fridge with a new one--it is not in my budget.  I worried about how do I even get rid of the old one.  I worried about the time it would take to go find a new one.  I worried about what to do with getting rid of all the stuff inside the fridge. (I'll tell you in another post about garbage take out here.)

Then I thought, well maybe it can be fixed.  So, then I worried about how to find a handyman to fix my fridge.  I worried about how much that would cost.  I worried about how long that would take.  I worried about how messy the inside of the fridge was and how embarrssing it would be to let some outsider see it in such a mess.   

All of this worry raced into my heart and filled my mind.  Then, I came to my study and just prayed a simple prayer, "Lord, can you fix my fridge?  I don't have the means to deal with this right now.  I need to you take care of this."

I kept checking the non-working fridge every five minutes for about an hour.  Still no cold air.  I talked to some Taiwanese friends about how to find a handyman.  I even searched online for the approximate costs of new fridges and what to look for when buying a new one.  I still had a heart that was beating faster than normal and a blood pressure probably higher than it should have been. 

I was on my out the door to go ask the security guard downstairs for help in locating a handyman when I stopped by the fridge for one last check.  I opened the door to the freezer, peeked inside, and  . . . the air came back on! 

After over one hour of my frozen foods starting to defrost, my fridge came back on.  It was fixed.  And a week later is still running like normal.  Praise the Lord!  He fixed my refridgerator.  He answered my cry for help.  He cares for me!* 

I guess I am still working on being obeident to this command:

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (Philippians 4:6-7)

I am thankful that I did eventually allow petitions to shape my worries into prayers.  How I wish it would have been my instant, gut reaction the moment the cold air quit blowing.

Thank you, Jesus, for fixing my fridge.  Thank you for caring for me.  Thank you for showing me I need to turn to you first because you really do love me and care about the things that concern me.  You are truly a good God!!

*"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." (1 Peter 5:7)

(The pic above is of some students painting the fridge black in the fall of 2004.)

memorizing scripture

At the beginning of this year, when I was thinking about what I wanted to accomplish this year, one thing I desired to do was to make Scripture more important. 

As a child, I participated in Bible Drill, we memorized Scripture and the books of the Bible and were drilled in memorization and in locating in the Bible what we had memorized. This practice set a wonderful foundation for me to use and build on later in life.  In college, I also actively memorized Scripture with a friend who helped me be accountable. 

Since college, I have let this discipline slip.  I wanted to memorize longer passages of Scripture not just a verse here and a verse there.  So, I decided to memorize 2 Timothy 1:7-14.  But, I long to do more, so I was thinking about memorizing a whole chapter.  But then Josh Harris on his blog gave a link to an article by Dr. Davis which discusses why and how to memorize whole books of the Bible.  So, while I finish up (my now scrawny looking) 2 Timothy 1:7-14, I am praying about which book to memorize. 

Honestly, it scares me just a little because a book seems like a lot to memorize.  And, I struggle with prefectionism--if I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to even attempt to try.  But, I am learning about grace and about where my acceptance and abilities really come from.  So, with the Holy Spirit's help, I am going to work on memorizing a book of the Bible.