following an unknown path

the irony of contentment

A few months ago I wrote about longing to be content in regards to being single. 

I used a passage from Philippians in which Paul says "I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty."

I would love to claim alongside Paul that I have found "the recipe."  How wonderful it would be to not have a sense of needing anything personally!  I think Paul might have mentioned it earlier in the chapter--just a few verses before the ones I quoted.  "I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess."

It is ironic.  Being glad or delighting in God is one area in which I should never settle--never be content.  What I mean is . . . the more I know Him the longing to know Him even more grows ever more strong.  So, the more I delight in Him, the less content I am with how much I know Him, but the more content I am with where I am, what I have, and the circumstances I find myself in. 

Oh, how great it is to be able to delight in a God who satisfies and lets us be happier than we could imagine possible!

seven habits of highly effective women

Carolyn Mahaney, one of the girls from girl talk, posted this at the beginning of January:

7 Habits of the Highly Effective Woman
  1. She rises early
  2. She maintains the spiritual disciplines
  3. She focuses on relational priorities for every season
  4. She sets up regular times for planning
  5. She develops an effective to-do list system and calendar/planner system
  6. She establishes an efficient routine for managing her home
  7. She organizes her house systematically

You can read her explaination in the rest of her post.

For me, it gives me something to ponder:  Which ones am I already doing?  Which ones do I need to work on most? 

I really think that FLYlady is helping me to establish many of these through simple routines and babysteps.  So, I am grateful to the FLYlady.

Just glancing over the list, I think I like it a lot as something of a ruler to measure how I am doing in becoming the kind of woman I want to be.  I do think I would add an eighth habit: finds women she can trust to hold her accountable.  I cannot over empahize the value of being held accountable (but more on accountability another day). 

patiently longing

I never know when it will strike or why it strikes.  But, it has been striking more and more frequently recently. 

"What is that?" you might ask. 

Well, it is kind of indescribable.  I guess it is best called a longing.  Something inside of me longs to know that which I have never known before--to know and be known by a man, to have a husband.

I think what sparked it this time was contact with old friends.  Two friends from my chuch youth group (10-15 years ago--oh my) who got married this past fall/winter recently sent me pictures from their weddings. 

 

I am happy for them. 

Yet, at the same time, a little piece of me asks, "when will it be my turn?"  However, even though there is that deep longing that comes at will it never leaves me hopeless, it always leaves me hopeful.  Knowing that there will be nothing to regret by waiting for God and His infallible timing.

what are you hoping for?

I will never forget that day.  She asked lots of questions, but the one that I had no answer for was "what are you hoping for?" 

Blank. 

What seemed like 5 minutes passed, and she said "don't try to give a perfect answer.  Just say the first thing you think of--what are you hoping for?"

That advice didn't help.  My heart and mind were still blank on the matter.

Then she challenged me to make a list of things that I thought were impossible but that I hoped would happen.  I was to begin praying for the items on that list.  You see, as long as my hope was in Amanda I could not make that list--perfectionsim and the desire to not fail kept me from hoping because my hope was in me. 

When I finally allowed myself to place my hope in God, it became much eaiser to hope because not only is He the Hope-giver, but with Him all things are possible.  When I was able to hope I was able to experiece joy and peace as well.

I had never before seen the connection of having hope to peace and joy.  But, oh!  How very connected they are!!  Even Scripture puts them together, Paul says in Romans 15:13: "So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

Here are a few of the things I was finally able to add to my "Impossible with Amanda but Possible with God: A Hope List":

• For my brother to be become a Christian
• To see some of my students become a church
• To see that church start more chruches among other students
• To see the entire island become a nation of believers in Christ
• To have my family come see me in Taiwan
• For a man God has choosen to "find" me and want to be my husband
• To be a wife
• To be a mother
• To visit Korea
• To visit Thailand
• To pay off my school loans quickly
• To live debt free
• To bring glory to God

I still keep a "Hope List" in the back of my journal because "for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly" (1 Corthians 13:13).

So, what are you hoping for?

why live in taiwan?

After reading my post on whistling in Taiwan, Bethany asks some great questions about how I ended up in Taiwan.  And, while her questions are specifically about my master's degree and being here now, the answers would be the middle  of the story.

So, first I am going to share the "why of being" in Taiwan and then share the "why Taiwan." I figure it will take me a few posts to do this; I will just write for 15 min and then continue the story later linking them all together in the end.

Ok, so first, "why do I live in Taiwan?"  Well . . . we must first go back to a night long, long ago:

As we drove down LiuHe Street, the neon signs flashed strange looking symbols so different from anything I had ever seen before.  The driver of the car was teaching my friends how to say, “It tastes good,” in a harsh tonal language that I could not stand to hear and absolutely refused to speak. Suddenly a sinking feeling flooded my stomach; I could not tell if it was from the unidentifiable object that I ate for dinner or from my dislike for this strange place.

Almost nine years have passed since I sat in the back of that black Honda in Taiwan. Years filled with unique experiences, bouts of culture shock, and immense change. In these nine years, I have learned to enjoy and be a part of the Taiwanese culture so much that it is now my home away from home.

God has done an incredible thing, and I stand in awe. He has changed my heart’s desire so drastically that now living in Taiwan gives me great joy! I count it a privilage to be able to live here--there really is no where else I'd rather be at this time in my life!

You see, growing up in church, I knew we needed "missionaries," but I did not know that "regular" people still daily worship idols made of their own hands—images that cannot hear, cannot see, cannot speak, cannot understand.

The desire to live in Taiwan lies deep within; I desire to offer hope to the people of Taiwan—people who want success in life, people who crave peace, people who long to be loved, people who desire the best for their family, people who need Jesus, the One, True God.

The Lord’s heart for the nations, for the peoples of this world, is clear in Scripture.  I desire to be to Taiwan, not to make converts to a certain faith system, but to share with them a God who is able to set them free through faith in Jesus Christ, in order that they may also have the joy of worshiping my Father and may be able to rejoice in Him with me for time and for eternity.

If you wanna know why I ended up in Taiwan and not some other place, you can read the story starting with: "Yeah, but why TAIWAN?"

all other goals bow down to this

I have resisted making "new year's resolutions" for as long as I can remember.  This is not becuase of some strong conviction or belief.  It is simply because I am a recovering perfectionist who hates failure.  So instead, I have goals, but they are not new for the new year--they are a perpetual list that is always growing and shrinking (as things get done) and changing. 

Anyway, tonight I was doing a 15 minute room rescue of my living room (somehow the "bathroom slippers" keep ending up in the middle of my living room--oh the joys of having a puppy) while I was listening to the CD Here I am to Worship, when I heard Wendy O'Connell singing "Above All Else" written by Vicky Beeching.  The words caught my attention and sent me to my computer to search for the lyrics:

Jesus my passion in life is to know You
May all other goals bow down to
This journey of loving You more

Jesus You've showered Your goodness on me
Given Your gifts so freely
But there's one thing I'm longing for

Hear my heart's cry
And my prayer for this life

Above all else
Above all else
Above all else
Give me Yourself

This song sums up my heart's desire . . . my longing for 2006:  that all my other goals bow down to the journey of knowing and loving Jesus more.  I also like the way she pleads with Him to give her Himself. 

I have spent most of my life mistakenly believing that I had to "earn God."  If I was good enough, if I prayed well, if I studied my Bible right, then He would reveal Himself to me.  Oh how wrong I was!  Actually, this thinking robbed me of the joy only those redeemed by grace can experience.

Jesus, this song verbalizes my heart's cry.  I want to know you better.  I want to love you more.  I want to be intimate with You, the lover of my soul.  Give me Yourself.  Help me to make all other goals I set this year bow to this desire.  And, I thank You that I do not have to earn You--that You freely give Yourself.  I love you, Lord.

contentment and grace

Not too long ago, I wrote about how hard it is to be content (with singleness) and how I longed to know Paul's reciepe of contentment that he writes about in Philippians.

Tonight, I stumbled on to an article by Carolyn McCulley about Contentment in the Wait.  Near the end of her article she says:

Contentment calls for humility. We have to intentionally humble ourselves under God’s mighty hand when our circumstances don’t work out to our liking. Without a doubt, it is humbling to go year after year with a hope deferred! It’s very humbling to keep showing up at family events as the only single sibling, or to go to the wedding of a former boyfriend without a date. But we have to remember that, as Christian women, we’re not here to promote our personal success stories, anyway. We’re here as trophies of grace — broken clay jars carrying around incredibly valuable treasure. Even if the Lord should grant our petition for marriage and a family, our witness and purpose do not change. Only our circumstances change. [emphasis mine]

I had forgotten that I am a trophy of grace.  For most of my life, I have spent too much time trying to earn my already gifted salvation trying to prove my worth.  What a joy it is to celebrate that I am a trophey of grace.  How underserving I am to be one--but I guess that is the whole point! 

I mean . . . really now. . . imagine that!  God considers me a trophy--a symbol of success or victory--that he prominetly displays in his dwelling place.  He is proud of his work in my life.  He was victorious, and I am the trophy.  The trophy of grace.  I am not on display on his heavenly shelf because of the things I have done . . . but because of of what he has done.  Just like athletes earn the trophys they receive, it was God who did the work in me.

As a sidenote: Carolyn alludes to the same concept that I blogged about a few days ago, she just approaches it in a slightly different light.  Its not the focus of her article, but she reminds me again that my goal in life--to know and make known God, to glorify him by enjoying him--does not change if I one day wed.

Father, may my contentment be found in you alone.  Thank you for placing valuable treasure in this messed-up broken clay jar.

making scripture important

For 2006, I want to make Scripture an important part of my life.

First, I would like to memorize whole sections of the Bible, not just a verse here and a verse there. I am praying now about what to memorize first.  I found this list of articles on scrpture memory.

Another thing I would like to do in 2006 is read through the Bible in one year.  I began tonight by looking for reading plans. I found one site that details and links to the various sites with different “though the Bible in a year” plans. I downloaded the pdf file from the Discipleship Journal site.  Will print it out tomorrow.

I have a nice recording of The New Living Version on CD. Maybe I should rip it and add parts of it to my ipod.

the gifts of singleness and marriage

The desire to be a wife and mother has been lingering in my heart for a few months now.  When I was 16 or 17, God and I had a conversation.  I had just found out I had PCOS and might not be able to have children.  At that time in my life, all I wanted to be was a wife and mother.  To be a stay at home mom was my career goal.  I was an avid Elisabeth Elliot reader and had several other books on my selves such as A Good Man is Hard to Find Unless You Ask God to be the Head of Your Search Commitee.

My conversation with God went something like this:
God: Amanda, would you be willing to not have children if it meant serving me better?
Amanda: But, God, I love children and want to be a mother so much.  However, now I know I might not be able to birth children, could I adopt?
God: My question is: would you be willing to not be a mother if it means serving me better?
Amanda: Oh.  Well, I would be very sad if I could not be a mother, but if I could serve you better, then OK; I am willing.
God:  What about being a wife?  Would you be willing to be single if it meant serving me better?
Amanda: Yes, Lord, if it means serving you better.  Yes, I am willing.

After that conversation, I realized that books about singleness and marriage were more important to me than my Bible.  I also had great peace about being single and enjoyed growing closer to God and finding out some of his neat plans for my life that never could have happened if I had followed my own "life plan."

Then it came time for college.  My friends and classmates started dating and getting married.  It was very hard to not be jealous of them.  It was at this time that God and I had another discussion.  He showed me 1 Corthians 7.  He convinced me that my friends were exchanging their gift of singleness for the gift of marriage, but that my singleness was still a gift.  That I should celebrate with them, knowing my God is a good gift giver (Matthew 7) and both mine and their gifts were good.  Again, I had peace about being single and was able to celebrate with my friends.

I have never truly been on "a date."  I am now almost 28.  American media makes fun of people who haven't had sex in a month or even in a week--I have now gone my whole life without a real date and with never even being kissed by a man.  Oh, what would the media do with that?!?  But this is an off topic blip in my post. 

My point is this: for the first time in over 10 years, I am starting to long for marriage and motherhood again.  Why now?  Is it me not being wholly satisified in my Father?  Is it because my younger sister is getting married?  Is it because my best friend from college became a mother this year? Or, is it because my Father is stirring up the desires of my heart because something is going to change?    

In November, I read 1 Corinthians 7 nearly every morning.  I really like verse 17: "And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."  And I wrote about my longings in my first blog in June and November.   

When I read 1 Corinthins 7 again this fall . . . 2 things stuck out to me 1) I can use my time as a single to become more intimate with my Savior and 2) "marriage is spiritually and morally right and not inferior to singleness in any way" in other words marriage is not a step up or a step down from singleness. 

I was just now surfing the net when I found an article by Albert Hsu entiled "Demystifying The Gift Of Singleness."  The end of his article further explains/supports the second idea above:

Furthermore, the gift of singleness does not determine an unalterable lifelong destiny. In fact, everybody starts out with the gift of singleness. The "gift" of singleness is descriptive, not restrictive. It does not prevent singles from getting married if they so desire and circumstances permit. Neither singleness nor marriage is a permanent state; both can be temporary.

In addition, the metaphor of a gift exchange affirms that singleness and marriage are gifts of equal value. It is rude to refuse a gift, to tell a giver that you don't want what you received and throw it back in his or her face. However, it can be entirely appropriate to exchange a gift for a different one of equal value. Think about taking a Christmas gift back to the store. You can't exchange it for something that's more expensive. But you can exchange it for something of the same value.

So it is with marriage and singleness. When a single gets married, it is not a promotion, a step up to a more valued position, as though marriage were a more expensive Christmas gift. Rather, it is an exchange of one gift for another of equal value.

Still not sure what my heart is doing right now or why it is doing it.  Still not sure what I am longing for.  But I do still rest in the One who gives good gifts and trust Him alone to satisify my desires.

not knowing

“Not Knowing” by Mary Gardiner Brainard (1837–1905)

Not knowing the things that shall befall me there.—ACTS XX. 22.

I know not what will befall me: God hangs a mist o’er my eyes;

And thus, each step of my onward path, He makes new scenes arise,

And every joy He sends to me comes like a sweet surprise.

I see not a step before me as I tread on another year;

But I’ve left the past in God’s keeping,—the future His mercy shall clear,

And what looks dark in the distance may brighten as I draw near.

For perhaps the dreaded future is less bitter than I think;

The Lord may sweeten the waters before I stoop to drink;

Or, if Marah must be Marah, He will stand beside its brink.

It may be He keeps waiting, for the coming of my feet,

Some gift of such rare blessedness, some joy so strangely sweet,

That my lips shall only tremble with the thanks they cannot speak.

O restful, blissful ignorance! ’t is blessëd not to know;

It keeps me still in those mighty arms which will not let me go,

And lulls my weariness to rest on the bosom that loves me so.

So I go on not knowing,—I would not if I might;

I would rather walk in the dark with God than go alone in the light;

I would rather walk with Him by faith than walk alone by sight.

My heart shrinks back from trials which the future may disclose,

Yet I never had sorrow but what the dear Lord chose;

So I send the coming tears back with the whispered word, “He knows.”

I love this kind of poetry. Oh, if I could compose like Anne Bradstreet or Mary Gardiner Brainard I would write poems. But, alas, I cannot, so I am left to quote them instead.

This poem, “Not Knowing,” captures my heart’s cry. It echoes the desires of my inner me. I could not express my own emotions better than Brainard does in this poem.

For most people, not knowing is a scary thing.  But as the Message translates Acts 20:22,  that even though "I'm completely in the dark about what will happen when I get there,” there still "is another urgency before me now. I feel compelled to go . . . ." Paul goes on to say that hard times matter little; however, “what matters most to me is to finish what God started: the job the Master Jesus gave me of letting everyone I meet know all about this incredibly extravagant generosity of God.”

So, here I am.  I am following an unknown path.  I am compelled to follow it. So, I am sending back the coming tears with the whispered word, “He knows.” So, I am eagerly anticipating the joys that are to come as I attempt to focus on what matters most,  enjoying the privilage of being His messenger of amazingly good news!

And because He does know this path, although narrow and unknown to me, it is worth traveling.

O restful, blissful ignorance! It is blessed not to know!

my desire to be content

滿足. . . content.

It is not easy to be content.
要滿足是不容易的

In a letter to the Corinthians, Paul says, "God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.  . . . don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."

In another letter, this one to the Philippians, Paul says, "actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances.  I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty.  Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.  . . . You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."

Oh, if only I knew his recipe! because it is not easy to be content. 要滿足是不容易的.

I love my life.  I enjoy doing what I am doing.  Yet, deep inside I ache for a family . . .  for a man to love me and protect me, to care for me and provide for me, to be there for me in sickness and in health . . . for a baby to grow inside of me, for a baby to feed from me, for a child to call me mommy.

Oh, if only I knew his recipe! because it is not easy to be content. 
要滿足是很不容易的

I long to be content.
我渴望滿足但是要滿足是不容易的

It is not easy to be content.

i am

I am a daughter. 
I am a granddaughter.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a teacher.
I am a missionary.
I am a writer.
I am an employee.
I am a tenant.
I am a co-worker.
I am a student.
I am an ErHu player (albeit a beginner).
I am a cyclist.
I am a foreigner.
I am an American.
I am a Christian.
I am a sinner.
I am a woman.
I am many things . . . even more than this short list.

But there are two things I am not.
I am not a wife.  I am not a mother.
Two things I am beginning to long to be.

 

To long for something . . .
to want something very much;
to have an earnest, heartfelt desire, especially for something beyond reach;
渴望.

And, yet, even with these longings beginning to grow in my innerself, I am completely at peace. I know my Heavenly Father is always in control.  I say with confidence that He has promised to give me every good gift.  So, if marriage and motherhood are good gifts for me, they will one day be mine.  I know He has also told me that when I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart.  So, for now, I will be my Father's child.  I will be His alone and continue to find delight in Him.