following an unknown path

about a boy

I will soon be able to add one more thing to this list of things that I am.

In a little over four months my sister is going to make me an aunt!!  She is a little over 19 weeks pregnant with my little nephew, who will be named Nathan Lee.

Nathan means "gift of God" . . . what a wonderful name!!

I am so excited for my sister and brother-in-law.  This is something they've wanted for a long time now.

Can you see him there?  The first one is a full body shot and the second one is of just his face.  Beautiful, right?

And, yes, I'll be perfectly honest, it stung at first.  Why would God, the giver of all good gifts, give my younger sister both a husband and a baby before me?  "Doesn't he care about me too?" my heart longed to know.   

It's like the time I asked for a clock radio for Christmas.  My grandmother had prepared two of them (one for each of us), but Sarah opened hers first.  In my selfishness, I actually cried, "that's mine Sarah!  You opened my present!"  I walked over and ripped it out of her arms.  Sigh . . . what sin!  I still remember how guilty I felt when I realized how blatant my selfishness was on that Christmas Eve.

There were many tears shed the night I first found out she was expecting . . . as once again I mourned the fact that I am not yet a wife and not yet a mother.  My selfish, sinful heart once again cried out "That's mine, Sarah!  You opened my present!  Why do you get one and I don't!  I want one, too!!!"

But, since then . . . after repenting, my heart has been filled with nothing but joy for my sister.  I am so happy and can't wait to meet little Nate this summer when I get to go home for the first time in two years. 

Oh, yeah, and if Sarah is able to hold that little bambino inside to full term or longer, I will even get to see my sister 9 months pregnant.  How cool would that be!?!?!   But, for now, here is my beautiful pregnant sister at 19 weeks:

i want to be a mommy

(I know nothing about Kellie Coffey except for this song.)

Many women in my family (including me) have PCOS, which is the leading cause of infertility in women.  1 in 10 women have it. 

The powerful emotion that this song evokes causes tears to stream down my face.  I long to have a family, to be a wife, to be a mom . . . this singer has tapped into my heart of hearts, but even she has more than I do.  She has a "husband to love." 

It would be so easy to be bitter and envious.

But you know . . . in reality--in the nitty-gritty-in-your-face-this-is-life reality--I would still choose to be single and childless if it means God is better glorified in my life.  Oh, make no mistake, being a wife and a mother is something I really, really want!!!  But glorifying God is something I want even more.  (Clarification: Not that he wouldn't be glorified if I became a wife and a mom, but only He who knows how he can best be glorified in my life.)

Tears continue to fall.

He is all-powerful--He can do what he wants when he wants. 

He is all-good--He is a gracious, loving Father who gives good gifts and keeps his promises.  He has met my greatest need of all and blessed me way beyond I deserve. 

What right do I have to be bitter or envious?  None whatsoever.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. (Psalm 73:25)

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two Additional Thoughts
First, you know what else? Even though her song is powerful and brings tears to my eyes each time I watch it, I am not sure I would be willing to die in order to become a wife and a mom.  Namely, the pragmatics of it just don't make sense.  If I died to become a wife or a mom, well then I can't really be a wife or a mom now can I?  I'd be dead. 

Second, after I first heard this song . . . I later thought about the One who HAS died for me.  . . it is humbling.  I am grateful for His tender loving mercy and everlasting grace.  How undeserving I am!  . . . yes, the tears are falling again.