following an unknown path

cannot have enough

As Christians, we are often told to quench our desires for more.  We are warned against the "never can have enough" attitude of the lost. 

. . . which in most cases is good advice.  But, there is at least one thing we cannot have enough of.  This morning as I was reading my new devotional book Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon, I couldn't help but smile as I read today (Dec 13th)'s "Morning":

We may be certain that when the King of kings distributes grace among His royal priesthood, the supply is not cut short by Him.  In ourselves we are often in short supply, but never in the Lord.  . . . Some things in the economy of grace are measured; for instnace, our vinegar and gall are given us with such exactness that we never have a single drop too much; but the salt of grace is not restricted in its provision.   . . . A man may have too much money or too much honor, but he cannont have too much grace.  . . . A plethora of grace is impossible.  More wealth brings more care, but more grace brings more joy.  Increased wisdom is increased sorrow, but an abundance of the Spirit is fullness of joy.  Believer, go to the throne. . . You need much; seek much and have much.

Isn't that good news?!?  We cannot have too much grace.  An increase in the things of this world brings about responsibities, cares, and sorrow . . . but an increase in grace brings MORE JOY!! 

I needed this reminder this morning!  (So, thanks, mom, for sticking a heavy book in with the package you mailed me.)

I've only read a few entries in my new book, but I am really enjoying what I have read.  If you think you might be interested in the book Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon which has been revised and updated by Alistair Begg, you can download all of January's entries here in pdf format from www.gnpcb.org to take a look-see.

ouch! that stings!

Carolyn McCulley from Solo Femininity hits the nail on the head once again.  She was able to put into words something I've been experiencing, but hadn't been able to express in words.

As the holidays approach, it's time to prepare our hearts for many similar year-end conversations. I've been thinking about this conversation a lot lately, and about why it's so hard to have it. And I think it comes down to this: We can't boast. We can't boast in a ring. Or boast in a faithful husband. Or--for most of us--boast in our offspring. Others may have "braggin' rights," but we have to endure awkward, too-personal questions.

"This conversation" = basically any conversation that includes something to the effect of "oh, so you're still single." 

But, this idea of having nothing to brag about does not just pertain to those "so you're still single" conversations.  Often times it includes many conversations I have with a married (usually newly married) friend.  Especially when they say things (often times without realizing it) about how great their life is because of their husband, children, two cars in the garage--and oh don't forget about the prefect new table cloth.  Oh, what a happy life!  Or when they tell me they are so glad the timing of their marriage works out so that they are not too old (usually my age or my age +2 is stated) to have the perfect life plan for marriage and kids.

You know . . . it is really hard to rejoice for others when their good news feels like a slap in the face.  I try, I try really hard, to be happy for them.  And, it is not that I am not happy for them.  It is just that their hapiness stings a little.  So, I need time to recover from the sting of the slap before I can honestly express my happiness for them. 

AND, what makes it even harder . . . is that the person did NOT mean to give me (nor even realizes she has given me) a slap in the face by sharing with me good news.  She is simply sharing happy news with a friend.

Oh, but let's go back to Carolyn and her post.  Instead of telling me I was justified in being miffed by these conversations . . . instead of telling me I could sulk a little while I nursed the red mark left from the sting . . . instead of telling me I was ok to have stonger longings after these conversations . . . instead of telling me that what I was feeling was what every single woman feels and it's just my internal clock ticking . . . instead of making me feel better about the fact that I have to have these conversations . . . 

Yeah, instead of any of these she tells me this:

We all compare ourselves to each other and measure ourselves by each other. But that's pride at work. Whatever we've received is all of grace. That perspective is what C.J. taught us so well on Sunday. His two sermon points were that grace produces humility and grace prepares us for suffering. As I've said before, prolonged, unwanted singleness is a form of suffering. But here's the good news: The sanctifying grace that is at work in our singleness prepares us for this suffering and it produces the humility not to react in pride (self-pity, defensiveness, sarcastic responses) to unthinking conversations like the one above.

Ouch!  That stings.  She once again makes me feel like I have a buddy who understands my pain and suffering only to tell me--"yeah, its true it hurts, but in reality you greatest need ain't a husband, ain't a car-load of kids to love, ain't that you need something to brag about  . . . it is that you need a Savior.  He gave you that.  He has given you grace.  He has met your greatest need.  See that right there, Amanda?  Yep, over there trying to hide in that dark corner--that, my friend, is Mr. Pride."

Oh and how silly my heart is that it lets Mr. Pride in!  Read this powerful quote from January 22 from Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon:

O believer, learn to reject pride, seeing that you have no ground for it. Whatever you are, you have nothing to make you proud. The more you have, the more you are in debt to God; and you should not be proud of that which renders you a debtor. . . . O you who are valiant for truth, you would have been as valiant for error if grace had not laid hold upon you. Therefore, do not be proud, though you have a large influence—a wide domain of grace, for once you did not have a single thing to call your own except your sin and misery. Oh, strange infatuation that you, who has borrowed everything, should think of exalting yourself—a poor, dependent pensioner upon the bounty of your Savior, one who has a life that dies without fresh streams of life from Jesus, and yet is proud! Fie on you, O silly heart!

Hmm . . .that stings too.  But in a good way.  Thanks, Carolyn for the slap--I needed it.

from the rising of the sun

From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised! (Psalm 113:3)

For from the rising of the sun to its setting, my name will be great among the nations, and in every place incense will be offered to my name, and a pure offering. For my name will be great among the nations, says the Lord of hosts. (Malachi 1:11)

made to worship

Chris Tomlin's CD "See the Morning" has been playing on my itunes all afternoon. 

The song "Made to Worship" starts:

Before the day, before the light,
before the world revolved around the sun,
God on High, stepped down into time,
and wrote the story of His Love for everyone

I also am really liking the song entitled "Uncreated One."

This evening, I was teaching a new Taiwanese believer about the Uncreated One.  The One who made the universe--all things seen and unseen.  The One who existed before there was such thing as day and night, earth and sky.  We also saw how because God is good, all that He created was good.

I was glad that I had been listening to these songs today.  I always knew that God was Creator--that we was and is and always will be.  But, I had never heard Him reffered to as "the Uncreated One."  I was able to use that name for Him tonight. 

Also, yesterday, I attended a training session with my mission team.  The leader kept referring to God in this way, "and we call this God the Most High God, 上帝 (shang di)." 

So, now I have two "new" names to use for God--the Uncreated One and the Most High God. 

Ok, back to why I started this post . . . the song "Made to Worship."  As I heard this line from the song by the same title, I was reminded again of how true this is.  The Uncreated One created us with the desire to worship built in.  Each human being longs to worship--it is a part of who we are as humans.  I see people all around me all the time worshipping.   They worship false gods; they worship their ancestors; they worship idols that cost small fortunes but were made by the hands of a mere man.  The point is--they worship.  They were made to worship--so that is what they do. 

Oh, Most High God, will you please help me to scatter the seed of the Gospel widely this week?  Give me boldness to speak Your Good News to those around me.  Give me more and more opportunities to share the story of the Uncreated One who is the Most High God with more and more Taiwanese.  Soften their hearts so that the seed will fall onto good soil.  Soften their hearts and open their eyes--have mercy on the Taiwanese so that they can worship You--the One True God who reigns on high.   

1 Peter 4:13

Praise God that He still spares the lives of His children! 

Would you join me in praying for this couple and for their captors?

___

倒要歡喜。因為你們是與基督一同受苦，使你們在他榮耀顯現的時候，也可以歡喜快樂。(彼前4:13) 

"But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed" (1 Peter 4:13)

caught in the spin cycle

Carolyn Mculley's article, Whom do you fear?, is a great reminder for me to reflect at how I am doing as a recovering people-pleasing prefectionist (say that fast three times in a row).  Here is a snippet:

I hope, for [my neice's] sake, that she doesn't get trapped in a cycle of craving approval and fearing rejection. It's a nasty spin cycle of confusion and hurt. Seeking approval from everyone in our orbit is akin to the nauseating dizziness a dancer experiences when she does not keep her eyes on one object as she twirls. Just as dancers are taught to spot, Christians are also taught by God's Word to spot. The Bible tells us that we are to keep our eyes on the Lord and seek His approval only.

Being conscious of God's approval or His displeasure is what the Bible calls "fear of the Lord." It means to be in awe of, or to respect, more than merely to be afraid. Conversely, what we now call peer pressure, people-pleasing, or co-dependency is what the Bible calls "fear of man." In a nutshell, the fear of man can either be a fear of what others think of us or will do to us, or a craving for approval and a fear of rejection.

Read the entire article over at the Boundless Webzine.

readiness, commitment, and compromise

At the moment, I am on a plane somewhere between here and there--probably somewhere over the Pacific Ocean.  So, here is a quote that set me thinking and pondering this past weekend:

Readiness is a sign of commitment.  Commitment that is unprepared to sacrifice is  merely compromise in disguise.  . . . Compromise takes a steady toll and weakens our desire and ability to be committed. In the same way, the believer's commitment to Christ must exact a price in order to maintain its value.  We must prepare for the test of our commitment by daily affirming that [it is] worth it.  It's worth spending our time in daily prayer.  It's worth gathering for worship at church.  It's worth enduring hardship and trial, abuse, and even arrest for the privilege of maintaining our commitment without compromise. (taken from the book extreme devotion, emphasis added)

"Compromise takes a steady toll."  I think this is so true in my own life.  Little by little, just like how a steady drip of water can dent a stone, small compromises begin to add up and take a toll.  So, I started asking myself:

(1) What compromises have I made--large or small?
(2) Am I prepared to make sacrifices?  which ones?  how so?  Have I dictated which sacrifices are ok and which ones are not?
(3) In what ways do I need to prepare for possible future sacrifices?  How can I be ready, prepared?

Scripture says "do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you" (1 Peter 4:12).  Do I live too comfortably?  If I am not living in the midst of painful trial should I be surprised? 

a challenge

John Piper charges women--both married and single--with 15 challenges in this article from his Desiring God site. (Hat tip to Emily at Unfuling Flower.)

Piper also has other resources on Complementarianism in his online library.  And, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, which is edited by Piper and Wayne Grudem, is also available online in a pdf file for download (free).

Go; read; be challenged!

 

yeah, but why TAIWAN? (part 5)

If you wanna know why I live in Taiwan, this post tells you the answer.  The post below is the fifth installment of a multi-post series.  It is a chronologic al story of why I live in Taiwan (as opposed to any other "foreign country"), so if you would like to start at the beginning of the story, you can start with part one. 

Let's see, to recap, so far I have talked about my first trip to Taiwan in 1997, about how God helped me to fall in love with the Taiwanese culture, how I kept returning to Asia, and about my year as an exchange student in 1999 and 2000.

When I got back to America after spending a year overseas, I had MAJOR reverse culture shock.  It was even worse than culture shock because no one had told me to expect it, so I was totally unpreapared for it.  I didn't know what I was experiencing, but I knew something was not right.

Thankfully, my Heavenly Father knew.  He provided two people to help me get through it.  One was a former missionary who I met for coffee one afternoon.  I don't even know now how we were introduced, but I will never forget that afternoon of talking and crying through my emotions with someone who understood and could give good godly advice and wisdom.  One of the things she told me that stuck with me for a long time was "it is good sign that you are having trouble adjusting back here because that means, first, that you felt at home in your host culture, and, second, that you will want to and can go back." 

The other person who helped me was my best friend--a Taiwanese young woman studying in America.  I met her in America, then went to Taiwan to study abroad, and then came back to America and lived with her as my roommate.  One day--after she built up her bravery--she confronted me.  Basically she said, "Amanda, I don't understand you these days.  You are so fake.  Around Americans you act so American, but around us Taiwanese you act so Taiwanese.  What is going on?  Why do you act this way?" 

Although I could have taken what she said has a huge insult, we had a long girlfriend talk, and it helped me to better understood what was happening to me.  I explained to my best friend that I was not being fake; that I had adopted Taiwanese mannerisms and ways of talking because I identified with my friends and roommates in Taiwan.  That I was struggling to define who I was--which I know describe as a milkshake or fruit slushie.

After living overseas for a year and the struggle with living in America upon first returning, I knew I was to live overseas for a long time.  So, I refused to allow myself to readjust to American culture 100%.  I fought hard to keep from going into further debt by buying a car and didn't take out any credit cards.  God was SO faithful in meeting my needs.  Through my grandparents and their neighbor, he provided the perfect car for me.  He gave me jobs that were perfect in that they met my needs, yet still gave me time and freedom to serve and minister to international women, while at the same time allowing me to strengthen my professional skills.  He is a great God who cares about the details of our lives.

Another thing I struggled with that first semester I returned to America was what to do when I graduated in December.  I sought the counsel of every missionary I could talk to.  I asked questions to every missionary sending agency I could find.  I thought, and I thought.  I asked, and I asked. 

Seminary?  Grad school?  Work in USA to pay off loans?  Go overseas two years then come back to study?  What to do?  What to do?  The only way I can describe the feeling is like the agitation of a washing machine--churn, churn, churn.  I was totally "an unsettled wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."  I so desired to do God's will perfectly and didn't want to mess up. 

After much tossing, thinking, and asking humans.  I just had to trust that James 5:15 was true: "If you need wisdom – if you want to know what God wants you to do – ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking."  I just kept praying about what to do.  After much prayer, I decided to get my MA in Foreign Language Education close to home (so I could spend time with family before leaving to live oversesas).

This was one of those times in my life where how do you decide what is best when all choices seem to be good ones.  It was not easy.  And I can tell you that it was nothing like the other times in my life when God clearly said "This is it.  Do this."  I even begged my earthly parents to have an opinion on the matter so I could be obedient to them as I am still under their authority as long as I am single.  I wanted a burning bush, but God gave me no such thing this time. 

God doesn't always work in the same ways in our lives.  He speaks to us differently at different times.  The only way I can describe my final decision is that He gave me a peace that went beyond my understanding.  He took away the washing-maching-like churning that was tearing my heart up and replaced it with total peace. 

The fact still remains . . . and the theme of the song I sing about Him working in my life . . . is that He never fails.  His ways are higher than mine, better than mine, and can't be reasoned or explained away.  He is all-good all the time and all-powerful all the time.   What an amazing God!

The sixth and final part of the story will tell how I came to live exactly where I do in Taiwan.  How God put me exactly where I needed to be.

yes is yes; no is no

Why do we needlessly feel that we must explain ourselves?  And, why do we ask others to promise that they really mean what they say?

During wedding week, my mom and I started saying "no explaination needed."  Yes, we will have different opinions and ideas, but since we were all competent women we could trust that even though they were different they were still all good ideas.  There was no real need to explain and justify every decision we made.  Oh, it made life so much easier.  We didn't have to defend everything; we argued less because we just trusted each other and quit justifying everything.

Recently when someone was going on ad nauseum about their answer when a simple "yes" or "no" would have sufficed, I remembered something my dad taught me a long time ago.  I had asked him to do something.  He said "yes."  I then asked him to "pinkie swear" that he really would do it.  He responded that his "yes was enough."   He then quoted the second half of James 5:12 "Let your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No,' no."

My eathly father was teaching me, but my Heavenly Father was convicting me.  I really did not need to ask others to promise above and beyond their "yes" and "no."  I needed to trust others and allow my own "yes"s and "no"s to simply be yes and no.

You know what?  Life is actually much easier when we know someone's "yes" is yes and their "no" is no.  No need to doubt.  No need to question or beg.  We can trust that they mean what they say.  Life is also eaiser when we don't have to "pinkie promise" or explain why.

So, I am consiously trying to once again be aware of the command in James 5:12--and be obedient.  Trust me; it's not as easy at it might seem.

envy, jealousy, and covetousness

I first knew about the difference between jeaously and envy in seventh grade when we had a lesson on the difference in meaning between "I am jealous of you" and "I envy you." 

Jealous: afraid of losing something you already have--specifically affection or a position
Envy: wanting something you don't have.

The example our teacher used at the time was a girl and her boyfriend.  The girl who has no boyfriend and wants one is envious of girls who have one.  The girl who has a boyfriend and doesn't like other girls talking to him is full of jealousy.

However, after my last post, I found an article on crosswalk.com entitled Why Not Me? A Single Woman's Struggle with Envy.  The author, Carolyn McCulley, explains the difference between envy and covetousness.

I didn't know about this third one and how it is different until now.  And she is right.

I probably should have used the word covet in my post yesterday--not envy.  According to both her article and dictionary.com envy is longing with resentment towards the person who has what you desire, while coveting is longing for what someone else has.

When I first read this, I actually proudly thought "oh that is good.  I don't resent.  Longing without resentment is better than longing with resentment.  This is not so bad." 

Oh, how easily we can be deceived!  Good thing I kept reading.

Carolyn points out in her article that God deals with coveting what our neighbor has in the tenth commandmant. Basically, if you will recall with me, God tells His people "Thou shalt not covet."  We are not supposed to covet--"wish, long, or crave for (something, especially the property of another person)."  In other words, it is not "not so bad."  It is sin.

You know, it is easy for me to think that I am a "good girl" and for me to give off the image that I am a "good girl" to others.  I do what I am "supposed to." I respect my elders.  I don't do overtly "bad" things.  I do a pretty good job staying away of the "things of the flesh" listed in Galations 5:19-21: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin."  Those are bad things, obviously. 

But, trust me, I still struggle with sin.  If you are a careful reader (and click thru on scripture references) or if you have memorized this passage of scripture, you will know I left out two of the things in this list of "sinful nature" qualities: jealousy and envy.  God lists envy right next to "participation in demonic activities" and "drunken orgies." 

It is easy for me to allow the hot tears of longing to flow down my cheeks as I hold a friend's newborn.  They feel like they are justified tears, good, healthy tears.  But, really, in all honesty, they are sinful tears.  I am coveting what my neighbor has.  That is not good.  The Bible clearly tells us coveting is wrong.

But there is good news for me--and for others who struggle with longing for the things that others have been blessed with.  We do not have to live under the domain of our sinful nature.  Here is how Carolyn describes it in her article:

As the apostle Paul writes in Titus, we were once enslaved to sins like envy. But then the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared! We were saved, not only from this miserable, sin-filled existence, but from the righteous wrath of God. And not only were we spared, we were made heirs according to the hope of eternal life. Heirs! We live as those who will one day inherit everything! So why do we resent when someone else receives some earthly trinket? (I am making an argument here, but I am not by extension calling marriage and family mere trinkets.) Knowing this, we are then freed to love one another earnestly. We don’t have to covet, envy, and resent what happens to us in this life. We have been set free from these passions because we have been born again of imperishable seed.

Envy and coveteousness can and should be put away.  And, thankfully, I don't have to do it in Amanda's power.  Thankfully, my gracious God has given me his Holy Spirit to help me grow in spiritual maturity to become more like Him.

veggies

This is the verse on my desk calander (for April 14th; I'm just now changing it):

喫素菜、彼此相愛、強如喫肥牛、彼此相恨。 (箴言 15:17)

Translation: "Better a meal with only veggies shared in love than a slab of prime rib served in hate" (Proverbs 15:17).

How true!  How very, very true!!

[The picture is of part of a day market in Kaohsiung City.]

life beyond myself

In the Living Beyond Yourself study that I am doing right now, the "meat" of Beth's message via the video this week was this:
The power of the Holy Spirit can develop in us heightened:

1. Perception,
2. Discernment, and
3. Insight.

(She also pointed out that discernment is overwhelming a positive thing: to be able to discern what is best.)

Another thing she mentioned in the intro video and brought back up again at the beginning of this week is:

Through the power of the Holy Spirit we will

1. do things we couldn't
2. feel things we didn't
3. know things we wouldn't

I am enjoying this study so much.  People around me hear me all the time starting out sentences with "In the LBY study I am doing, I learned . . . "  I am sorry that I don't have time this weekend to go into more detail into all of these. 

I had a short-term missionary with me this Thursday-Saturday.  We were able to prayerwalk my community and share the gospel with some of my students. [What a blessing!  Praise the Lord!!]  As we walked into temples while prayerwalking . . . we preceived the spiritual warfare going on.  Until you have physically walked into a temple where idols are being worshipped you have no idea what this comes close to feeling like.  There is no way to describe it with mere words.

Then earlier today, one of the students I am close to became a believer in my living room! [Praise the Lord!!]  We (me and another missionary) shared again the plan of salvation and invited him to believe--and he did!!  As we shared with my student, the atmosphere in the room changed as we fought with spirits and principalities.  As we shared, it had to the Holy Spirit talking through us.  It could not have been us.

I am so thankful that I do not have to rely Amanda.   I am thankful that the Holy Spirit can move in me, that He can help me to do things I couldn't, feel things I didn't, and know things I wouldn't.  I am thankful that He gives me heightened preception, discernment, and insight.

I am so thankful to have this opportunity to have a bibical foundation and logical approach to understanding so many of the things I have felt, believed, and wondered about.  God's timing is perfect, and I am grateful.

Lord, move me.  Compel me.  When you say "move it" . . . I wanna move it!  I want to do things I couldn't, feel things I didn't, and know things I wouldn't.  Lord, I want to walk in your Spirit.  Please give me heightened perception, discernment, and insight.  Let me walk in the filling of your Spirit.  Please make Your presence known, not only in my life to me, but in my sister's lives, and in my new brother's life as well.  Fill us and move us. Take us over.  Let us resonate with you.  We truly are desperate to hear from you.  As Beth says, we are nuts over you.  You are the most exciting thing!!  Fill us.  Teach us.  Move us.  Oh yes!  Amen.

Addie	Heather*	Carol
M	Rach	Jeana
Jenn	Amanda	MamaB
GiBee	Boomama	Maria
Blair	Heather	Nancy
Janna	Flipflop	Robin
Sherry	Patricia	Tara
Lauren	HolyMama!	Faith
Christy	Eph2810	Karin
Leann	Rachel	Janice
This is a list of the women participating in the study and the links to their blogs. New postings on the study will be published for ten weeks, between Friday 8pm - Saturday 8am. Please feel free to visit each of us and comment. Everyone is welcome to participate in this discussion as we seek to live beyond ourselves. May God bless you richly from the hearing of His word.

questions to ask yourself

Back in January, I found a link to a list of questions to ask yourself at the beginning of the year on the girl talk blog.  This list of 10 (+21 more bonus) questions is written by Donald Whitney to help us "consider our ways" (a command given by God to His people through the prophet Haggai).  The Message actually translates Haggai 1:5, "Take a good, hard look at your life. Think it over."

Since I was swamped at the new year, I decided then to save the good, hard look till my birthday.

All I can say is WOW!  What a great list of questions to ask myself and journal about.

I've not finished all 31; nevertheless, I highly recommend you either bookmark his list of questions page or go ahead and print out a copy.  You can either stash away this valuable resource and use it on your birthday!  Or, if you want, go ahead and start answering all 31 of them now--one-by-one for a whole month. 

What are you waiting for?  Go take a look!

pour out my heart

If you have hung out with me "in person" you would know that I love music.  I constantly have music playing, and if there is none playing--I make my own.  Songs are able to express emotions and feelings I have in ways that no other means can.  For me it is: skip the shoe shopping--lets go buy some new CDs!! 

[But let me just insert here that I am a total amateur in music--can't read it, can't write it, can't tell if I am on tune or not, and am only just now starting to learn to play an instrument.  Music is just a passion.  Make a joyful noise, amen?]

Just now, as I was taking a break with Gilby in my lap, I just let my heart pick a song and started singing it.   It, my friends, is a perfect song for the Living Beyond Yourself study I am doing.

Beth (Moore) taught us last week that we need to pour out confessions and concerns in order for there to be a pouring in and pouring fourth of the Spirit in our lives.  Just look at the lyrics of this Vineyard worship song written by Craig Musseau!!!

Here I am once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that You hear
Every cry
You are listening
No matter what state my heart is in

You are faithful to answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel Your touch
You bring a freedom to all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to . . .

Pour out my heart, to say that I love You
Pour out my heart, to say that I need You
Pour out my heart, to say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart, To say that You're wonderful!

But, lyrics alone aren't enough . . . you must listen to this song!  It is AWESOME!  (Here is a clip of it I found online.)

standing amazed

Last night a friend re-introduced to me worship leader Dennis Jernigan (who has an awesome testimony).  So, I went through my own cd collection looking to see if I had one of his CDs. And I found three.  So, I put one in and started listening to it. 

Familiar songs of worship from my college years washed over me.  One in particular grab my attention because it is the same concept that Beth Moore touches on in the Living Beyond Yourself study I am doing.

Here are the beginning lyrics for the song "I Stand Amazed":

I see the stars that you have made
I know you call them each by name
To think father God in heaven displays
Is thinking of me in intimate ways and
I stand amazed in all of Your glory
That You would die for me; I stand amazed,
I stand amazed in all of your glory,
True love's sweetest story; I stand amazed.

At the beginning of this week's study, she touches on the trinity of God.  Explaining through Scripture how each part of the Godhead works--that through the Father's will, the Son's Word, and the Spirit's way all of creation was formed.

Then she comments:

The same God who willed, spoke, and energized the universe into being directs all His care and distinctive direction to your precious life.  He continues to direct you through these same methods:  the Father wills, the Son speaks, the Father's will, to you through His Word, and the Holy Spirit supplies the power for you to obey.

Have you been feeling a little insignificant lately?  unimportant?  How's this for a change in perspective?  The entire Godhead is intimately involved in your daily life using the same power and glory with which He commanded creation into being.  He must find your rather significant! (pg. 31)

AMEN!!  and OH YES!!

First, it was such a blessing to hear her (and Dennis Jernigan) confirm the truth that the God of all creation is intimately involved in my daily life. 

Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are.

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not. 

And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.

And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith! (Matthew 5:26-30, New Living)

Second, the revelation of this pattern of Father willing, Son speaking, and Spirit empowering helped me to understand better how He has worked in my own life.  And, it has given me a better perspective to look for His future work in my life. 

Yea!!!

Addie	Heather*	Carol
M	Rach	Jeana
Jenn	Amanda	MamaB
GiBee	Boomama	Maria
Blair	Heather	Nancy
Janna	Flipflop	Robin
Sherry	Patricia	Tara
Lauren	HolyMama!	Faith
Christy	Eph2810	Karin
Leann	Rachel	Janice
This is a list of the women participating in the study and the links to their blogs. New postings on the study will be published for ten weeks, between Friday 8pm - Saturday 8am. Please feel free to visit each of us and comment. Everyone is welcome to participate in this discussion as we seek to live beyond ourselves. May God bless you richly from the hearing of His word.

(And if you have never heard Dennis Jernigan's worship music, you are really missing out!!  He offers a free song each month on his site--but you do need to register first.  Best way would be just buy one of His CDs--you won't be dissappointed!!)

from head to toe

O my soul, bless God.
 From head to toe, I'll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless God,
   don't forget a single blessing!

 

He forgives your sins--everyone.
   He heals your diseases--everyone.
   He redeems you from heall--saves your life!
   He crowns you with love and mercy--a paradise crown.
   He wraps you in goodness--beauty eternal.
   He renews your youth--you're always young in his presence.

God makes everything come out right;
   He puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
   opened up his plans to all Isreal.
God is sheer mercy and sheer grace;
   not easily angered, he's rich in love.
He doesn't endlessly nag or scold,
   nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
   nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heave is over the earth,
   so strong is his love to those who fear him.
As far as sunrise is from sunset,
   he as seperated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
   God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
   keeps in mind that we're made of mud.
Men and women don't live very long,
   like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
   leaving nothing to show they were here.
God's love, though, is ever and always
   eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
   as they follow his Covenant ways
   and remember to do whatever he said.

God has set his throne in heaven;
   he rules over us all.  He's the King!
So bless God, you angels,
   ready and able to fly at his bidding,
   quick to hear and do what he says.
Bless God, all you armies of angels,
   alert to respond to whatever he wills.
Bless God, all creatures, wherever you are--
   everything and everyone made by God.

And you, o my soul, bless God!

(I love Psalm 103.) 

mommy-longings amplified

Lately, I have been doing ok in the "fine with being single" area.  Learning to wait and trust.  What has been giving me problems however is the "mommy-longings." 

Being around babies is so great!! 

I was around them all last summer in the States and then now there are two little ones I get to see and hold often.  Just holding one brings me great joy and comfort.  There is a special feeling only to be had when a baby is pressed against you. 

Problem is this--it makes me want my own.  It makes me wonder if I will ever be allowed to be a mother or if I will find my joy always in holding and loving other's babies. 

Unfilled Desires . . .   Unmet longings . . . The tears are falling. 

Here is where rubber meets the road. 

You see, God has been reminding me of how he has worked so beautifully in my life in the past.  He has be telling me about his goodness to me in the past.  Maybe there is a reason he is doing this.  Each episode or post in the why Taiwan series is about me having a desire--a God-given desire--then me trying to scheme for it to become reality, me yeilding to Him, and then God providing in ways amazingly better than I could ever have dreamed of. 

He even very recently has been teaching me in small ways that he really does care about me, that he has compassion for me.

Could it be that he is trying to tell me something?

I hear him whispering . . . "Oh, Amanda, be still.  Don't scheme.  Don't plot and plan.  Trust ME.  I am a good God, and I love you.  I give good gifts--and you can trust that I only give these gifts at the right time.  My way is oh so much better than yours--wait and see.  I will prove I am right."

And I do trust that he is both all good and all powerful.  And I am waiting. 

But to stop the wondering and the envy is hard.  Why are others (especially when they are younger than me) being given these gifts--marriage and motherhood--and I am not? 

Oh Holy Spirit--help me to live beyond myself; help me to be different than I am.  Oh, and Jesus, thank you so much for giving those around me babies for me to love on.  I really like it a lot. 

oh my gosh!

5 minutes ago!  We had an earthquake with a magnitude of 6.4 that lasted a LONG time!  It knocked some of my stuff over and some stuff fell off of some of the bookcases.  I am ok.  So is Gilby.

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.  So we will not fear, even if earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.  Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!  . . .

The nations are in an uproar, and kingdoms crumble! God thunders, and the earth melts! The LORD Almighty is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress.  Come, see the glorious works of the LORD . . . "Be silent, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world."  The LORD Almighty is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress.  (Selected verses from Psalm 46)

gilby is at the vet's

I have been avoiding taking Gilby to the vet to be neutered.  Partly cuz I am scared for my little guy, and partly cuz I was afraid of not understanding or communicating well with the vet, and partly cuz I had no idea what to expect, and partly cuz I didn't have even a clue how much it would cost.

So, after thinking about it for 3 months, I finally went this evening to ask about it and make an appointment to have it done.  The vet I choose was nice, informative, and did a good job making sure I understood him.  When he handed Gilby back to me--it was obvious that Gilby was scared.  So, I held him and comforted him while the doctor added up the cost.  Gilby was finally ok; I agreed to the cost and asked when the procedures could be scheduled for. 

"Now is ok.  You can pick him up tomorrow."

My heart did a flippy flop.  WHAT!?!

I wanted to have more time to procrastinate.  I wanted to have more time to think about it and tell Gilby bye.  But, no.  The vet then reached and took Gilby from me and took him to the back.  Tonight around 10 pm Gilby will be castrated and have a few remaining baby teeth pulled.  Yes, my vet will be doing surgery on my little puppy boy late at night--welcome to Taiwan.

Just now, I was feeling sad in my empty home--missing my little puppy boy greatly.  I thought "I should talk to God about Gilby." 

Then I thought, "No.  That is silly." 

"Why is it silly, Amanda?  Remember the fridge?"

"Oh!  That's right!!  God does care about me!!  And since I care about Gilby, and He made and then gave me Gilby, He must care about Gilby too!"

"God, please take care of Gilby for me.  Help the vet to do a good job.  Help Gilby to heal quickly.  Thank you, oh so very much for caring about me . . . and Gilby too."

my fridge died

When I was putting away the groceries last week, my fridge quit blowing cold air.  Just stopped.  Completely stopped.  Admittedly, it is old--it is not surprising that it was in the last days of sharing with me its frigid air.  It was also a gift--given to me by some missionary friends from Meinong.   I guess holding the door open that long to put away stuff just caused the fridge to finally give out, blowing its last cold puff of air on my face and hands.

My immediate reaction was to panic.  My heart started to race.  I worried about all the meats I had just bought--what a waste.  I worried about replacing the fridge with a new one--it is not in my budget.  I worried about how do I even get rid of the old one.  I worried about the time it would take to go find a new one.  I worried about what to do with getting rid of all the stuff inside the fridge. (I'll tell you in another post about garbage take out here.)

Then I thought, well maybe it can be fixed.  So, then I worried about how to find a handyman to fix my fridge.  I worried about how much that would cost.  I worried about how long that would take.  I worried about how messy the inside of the fridge was and how embarrssing it would be to let some outsider see it in such a mess.   

All of this worry raced into my heart and filled my mind.  Then, I came to my study and just prayed a simple prayer, "Lord, can you fix my fridge?  I don't have the means to deal with this right now.  I need to you take care of this."

I kept checking the non-working fridge every five minutes for about an hour.  Still no cold air.  I talked to some Taiwanese friends about how to find a handyman.  I even searched online for the approximate costs of new fridges and what to look for when buying a new one.  I still had a heart that was beating faster than normal and a blood pressure probably higher than it should have been. 

I was on my out the door to go ask the security guard downstairs for help in locating a handyman when I stopped by the fridge for one last check.  I opened the door to the freezer, peeked inside, and  . . . the air came back on! 

After over one hour of my frozen foods starting to defrost, my fridge came back on.  It was fixed.  And a week later is still running like normal.  Praise the Lord!  He fixed my refridgerator.  He answered my cry for help.  He cares for me!* 

I guess I am still working on being obeident to this command:

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (Philippians 4:6-7)

I am thankful that I did eventually allow petitions to shape my worries into prayers.  How I wish it would have been my instant, gut reaction the moment the cold air quit blowing.

Thank you, Jesus, for fixing my fridge.  Thank you for caring for me.  Thank you for showing me I need to turn to you first because you really do love me and care about the things that concern me.  You are truly a good God!!

*"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." (1 Peter 5:7)

(The pic above is of some students painting the fridge black in the fall of 2004.)