following an unknown path

make my life a prayer to you

Here are the lyrics to a another favorite Keith Green song that I come back to over and again.  It is so great!

Make my life a prayer to You,
I want to do what You want me to.
No empty words and no white lies,
No token prayers, no compromise.

I want to shine the light You gave,
through Your Son, You sent to save us
from ourselves and our despair.
It comforts me to know You're really there.

Well, I want to thank You now for being patient with me,
Oh it's so hard to see when my eyes are on me.
I guess I'll have to trust and just believe what You say.
Oh You're coming again, coming to take me away.

I want to die and let you give
Your life to me so I might live,
and share the hope You gave to me,
the love that's set me free.

I want to tell the world out there,
You're not some fable or fairy tale,
that I've made up, inside my head,
You're God the Son,
You've Risen from the Dead.

He does what he wants

I was sharing the gospel with a dear friend last week.  As he was asking me different questions, he asked me one that went something like this, "So, you wanna get married right?"

"Well, yes."

"So, even if you never get married, do you still trust Him and love Him?"

My friend knew how to get to my heart of hearts, but the answer is simply, "Yes."

"Ok, so, what if you never get married and lots and lots of bad things happen to you for the rest of your life, are you still going to worship Him and call him good?"

"Well, yes." 

If there ever comes a time like that, I know that won't be easy and I am not saying I won't wrestle with it, but God is either all good all the time or He is not good at all.  He is all powerful all the time or he is not in control at all.  I don't get to choose what God's character is based on the circumstances around me.

At a ladies retreat I went to this past weekend, the speaker pointed out that usually when we face a crisis of belief these are the two character traits of God we struggle with most.  Some of us will declare "well, God is all powerful, but he must not be all good (or he would have prevented this)," while others of us will claim, "God is good, but he must not be all powerful (or he would have stopped this)."  But, both of these are lies.

The beauty of God's sovereignity is "his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure" (Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary).  Nothing in that statement says I have the right to understand or approve of what He is doing.   As Job puts it "But he is singular and sovereign. Who can argue with him? He does what he wants, when he wants to" (23:13).

I must choose to trust His heart.  I must choose to trust how He has revealed Himself to me and to my ancestors in the past.  I must choose to trust that He is who He says He is in His Word. 

So, then, let's celebrate our sovereign Lord.  Let's delight in the fact that in all things and in all ways forever and always He alone--an all-powerful, all-good God--is supreme, is in complete control.

"How great you are, O Sovereign LORD! There is no one like you–there is no other God. We have never even heard of another god like you! . . . For you are God, O Sovereign LORD. Your words are truth, and you have promised these good things to me, your servant.  And now, may it please you to bless me and my family so that our dynasty may continue forever before you. For when you grant a blessing to your servant, O Sovereign LORD, it is an eternal blessing!"  (2 Samuel 7:22, 28-29)

music from my childhood

I grew up listening to Keith Green.  To this day, I love his music.  I've been listening to it again this week.  Everytime I do, his songs challenge me and push me deeper into the presense of the One I love wholeheartedly. 

The Keith Green record cover that sticks out most in my mind is the one of him with the lamb over his sholders.  I knew that must have been the way that Jesus would have carried a lamb.

His songs still bring back strong memories of childhood, of being raised by godly parents who were in love not only with each other but with their Savior. 

I cherish those days of simplicity.  Dad said it and that was that.  No need to question.  No need to doubt.  He was the ultimate authority.  Birthday gifts were playdough and Seasme Street posters.  Life was good.

I cherish those days of no worries.  Mom and dad took care of everything.  I had no need to think about tomorrow--or really even today.  I knew without a doubt that they would take care of whatever came or was needed.  Life was good.

I remember sitting around the dinner table as a family and listening to the records of Keith Green, Amy Grant (when she was a teenager), and the Marantha! Singers.  Mom played these and others while she cleaned, and I danced and sang alongside her as she vacuumed.  I remember Sarah and I playing over and over again a homemade cassette tape of Marantha! worship songs (recorded from their records)--usually before bed to go to sleep.  Life was good.

I remember longing to be more like Jesus, longing to live a life that pleased him.  I remember wanting to be just like my mom and just like my dad.  Life was good.

All those feelings and memories along with the desire to be fully devoted to and completely passionate for Jesus like Keith Green was (his autobiography, written by his widdow, is a must read) wash over me each time I listen to him sing.

Music is so powerful. 

I am thankful that in my life the music my parents played while I was growing up was glorifying to God because even to this day those songs I heard way back planted seeds and desires in my heart.  They still strongly affect me now.  They still cause me to want to glorify God and worship Him.  Life is good.

the closer i get to the cross

There is safety in the distance; out of sight and out of mind
And life is unexamined out of fear for what I'll find
But once again in solitude my soul is unfilled
So I press through the crowd and I step toward the hill

The closer I get to the cross the more clearly I see
The holiness of You and the sinfullness in me
There's a beauty in the agony that draws me to this place
The closer I get to the cross the more amazed I am by grace

There are times I want to turn my head so I don't have to face the truth
Of everything you've done for me and what I've done to You
But here my eyes are opened and it breaks my heart to know
Just how deep the roots of all my failures go

Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, Blessed Lord
To the cross where Thou has died
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, Blessed Lord
To Thy precious bleeding side

This song ("The Closer I Get to the Cross") captures my heart's cry right now!!  I have listened to it over and over ever since I bought Palisade's selftitled CD. But you can listen to it (and four other songs) free if you download the file(s) from their website.

Our God is sheer mercy and sheer grace!!  Hallelujah!!!!!

the hunger for a heavenly book

I just started reading the autobiography of a persecuted Chinese house church leader.

When he first trusted Jesus, he desired to know "the words of Jesus."  But there were no Bibles to be found in China at that time; his mother told him, "All [of Jesus'] words are gone.  There is nothing left of his teaching."  The boy walked a long way to another village to beg an old pastor to let him just see a Bible. 

The pastor told him, "The Bible is a heavenly book.  If you want one, you'll need to pray to the God of heaven.  Only he can provide you a heavenly book.  God is faithful.  He always answers those who seek him with all of their heart."

The teenage boy knelt on a stone in his room and prayed over and over for a Bible, but no Bible appeared.  He went back to the old pastor to beg again.  This time the pastor said,  "If you're serious, then you should not only kneel down and pray to the Lord, you should also fast and weep.  The more you weep the sooner you'll get a Bible."

For months, he fasted and wept and pleaded with God for a Bible.  His parents were afraid he was losing his mind.  But then, in a miraculous way (read the book to find out how), God gave him the heavenly book he had so been longing for.  He didn't let the old Bible out of his site, and he read it all day every day whenever he had a chance.  This is how he explains it:

In the beginning, reading my Bible wasn't easy because I had only received three years of education.  Furthermore, my Bible was in the traditional Chinese script, while I had learned the simplified characters.  I found a dictionary and painstakingly looked up one character at a time as I advanced through the Bible.   

Finally I finished reading through the whole Bible, so I started to memorize one chapter per day.  After 28 days I had memorized the whole Gospel of Matthew.  I quickly read through the three other Gospels before preceding to the Book of Acts and started to memorize it.

What?  You've got to be kidding me?  How lackadaisical am I?  How much do I take for granted?

Not only do I have several Bibles here with me in Taiwan, I have several back in the States in storage.  And, not only do I have many of them, I have never once in all my buying and receiving of Bibles thought anything close to the fact that the only way I could get such a heavenly book is if God, in his sovereignty, provided one for me.  (Of course he has/did--he has blessed me with many, but have I ever once given him the credit for me being able to have his teachings to read?  No, rather I have just purchased them as I would have any other book at a bookstore.  Oh, except I do get to pick out what color leather I like best for the outside.)

And not only do I have lots of Bibles, and not only have I never given God the credit for being the only reason I could have so many heavenly books, I have never fasted, wept, and knelt in prayer for months pleading with God for anything.

Furthermore, as I read this autobiography, I was also convicted with my lack of hunger for God's words.  Reading my Bible is something I must discipline myself to do, not something I crave and must munch on during every free minute.  Memorizing scripture is a discipline I have decided to work on this year--first by contemplating memorizing a short collection of verses, then by thinking about a verse a day until I had whole chapters and perhaps a book memorized.  But this teenager, a brand new believer with only three years of education, is memorizing whole chapters in one day, able to memorize the entire book of Matthew in less than a month! 

God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he's rich in love. He doesn't endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever.  He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.  As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him.  And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins. As parents feel for their children, God feels for those who fear him.  (Psalm 103:8-14)

Oh!  I am so thankful God is like this!!

Oh, Heavenly Father you are sheer mercy, sheer grace, rich in love.  Forgive me for not craving your Word as I should.  Please place inside of me a burning hunger for your Words.  Thank you for being longsuffering, and quick to forgive and full of compassion.  Thank you for your strong love for me.

the value of retreat

A.W. Tozer in The Pursuit of God One the Value of Retreat

"It is important that we get still to wait on God. And it is best that we get alone, preferably with our Bible outspread before us. Then if we will we may draw near to God and begin to hear Him speak to us in our hearts. I think for the average person the progression will be something like this: First a sound as of a presence walking in a garden. Then a Voice, more intelligible, but still far from clear. Then the happy moment when the Spirit begins to illuminate the Scriptures, and that which had been only a sound, or at best a voice, now becomes an intelligible word, warm and intimate and clear as the word of a dear friend. Then will come life and light and, best of all, ability to see and rest in and embrace Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord and All."

valentine's day with the lover of my soul

a picture of Kenting, originally uploaded by norachen

There is a missionary retreat center in Kenting, located in the southern part of Taiwan, called The Oasis.  An oasis is "a calm, pleasant place in the middle of somewhere busy and unpleasant."  What a great name for a retreat center!  And, that is where I am going to be for the next few days!

At the end of last semester, I was stressed and tired.  The end of my semester fell at the beginning of this year.  It was hard for me to ponder "newness" and a "fresh start" in the middle of the stress of grading exams and essays. So, I decided I needed a retreat--a personal, spiritual retreat--a date with God. 

So, I decided to schedule a few days at the Oasis to be able to spend long, uninterrupted time in prayer and worship, to be silent and listen to my Heavenly Father, to just be with the Lover of my soul.  When I choose the week, I soon realized I had selected the week that included Feb. 14th--Valentine's Day.  And this kinda made me happy.  What better way for me to spend that day than with the One who loves me most?

In addition to the articles I have read from the Discipleship Journal (links above), I found this personal retreat guide by girl talk mentioned on Solo Feminity.  But, besides those, I have not really planned too much.  So, I am going rather empty handed, but I am going excited and expectant. 

Would you please pray that God would help me be still before Him and draw me into a deeper intimacy with Him these next few days?  Thanks!!

memorizing scripture

At the beginning of this year, when I was thinking about what I wanted to accomplish this year, one thing I desired to do was to make Scripture more important. 

As a child, I participated in Bible Drill, we memorized Scripture and the books of the Bible and were drilled in memorization and in locating in the Bible what we had memorized. This practice set a wonderful foundation for me to use and build on later in life.  In college, I also actively memorized Scripture with a friend who helped me be accountable. 

Since college, I have let this discipline slip.  I wanted to memorize longer passages of Scripture not just a verse here and a verse there.  So, I decided to memorize 2 Timothy 1:7-14.  But, I long to do more, so I was thinking about memorizing a whole chapter.  But then Josh Harris on his blog gave a link to an article by Dr. Davis which discusses why and how to memorize whole books of the Bible.  So, while I finish up (my now scrawny looking) 2 Timothy 1:7-14, I am praying about which book to memorize. 

Honestly, it scares me just a little because a book seems like a lot to memorize.  And, I struggle with prefectionism--if I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to even attempt to try.  But, I am learning about grace and about where my acceptance and abilities really come from.  So, with the Holy Spirit's help, I am going to work on memorizing a book of the Bible.

more on hope

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all--oh, how well I remember--the feeling of hitting the bottom.

But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:  God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness!  I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst.  Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return.  If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.

(Lamintations 3:19-32)

what are you hoping for?

I will never forget that day.  She asked lots of questions, but the one that I had no answer for was "what are you hoping for?" 

Blank. 

What seemed like 5 minutes passed, and she said "don't try to give a perfect answer.  Just say the first thing you think of--what are you hoping for?"

That advice didn't help.  My heart and mind were still blank on the matter.

Then she challenged me to make a list of things that I thought were impossible but that I hoped would happen.  I was to begin praying for the items on that list.  You see, as long as my hope was in Amanda I could not make that list--perfectionsim and the desire to not fail kept me from hoping because my hope was in me. 

When I finally allowed myself to place my hope in God, it became much eaiser to hope because not only is He the Hope-giver, but with Him all things are possible.  When I was able to hope I was able to experiece joy and peace as well.

I had never before seen the connection of having hope to peace and joy.  But, oh!  How very connected they are!!  Even Scripture puts them together, Paul says in Romans 15:13: "So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

Here are a few of the things I was finally able to add to my "Impossible with Amanda but Possible with God: A Hope List":

• For my brother to be become a Christian
• To see some of my students become a church
• To see that church start more chruches among other students
• To see the entire island become a nation of believers in Christ
• To have my family come see me in Taiwan
• For a man God has choosen to "find" me and want to be my husband
• To be a wife
• To be a mother
• To visit Korea
• To visit Thailand
• To pay off my school loans quickly
• To live debt free
• To bring glory to God

I still keep a "Hope List" in the back of my journal because "for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly" (1 Corthians 13:13).

So, what are you hoping for?

Verses about Paths

And you, your lives must be totally obedient to God, our personal God, following the life path he has cleared, alert and attentive to everything he has made plain this day. (1 Kings 8:61)

Train me, God, to walk straight; then I'll follow your true path.  Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear. (Psalm 86:11)

Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path. (Psalm 119:105)

Help me stay on the path of Your commands for I take pleasure in it. (Psalm 119:35)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

We're in no hurry, God.  We're content to linger in the path signposted with your decisions.  Who you are and what you've done are all we'll ever want. (Isaiah 26:8)

You have revelaed the paths of life to me; You will fill me with gladness in Your presence. (Acts 2:28)

The Chinese caligraphy above is Proverbs 3:5-6.  It is a picture I took of my calender for January 2006 and modified with Picasa.

all other goals bow down to this

I have resisted making "new year's resolutions" for as long as I can remember.  This is not becuase of some strong conviction or belief.  It is simply because I am a recovering perfectionist who hates failure.  So instead, I have goals, but they are not new for the new year--they are a perpetual list that is always growing and shrinking (as things get done) and changing. 

Anyway, tonight I was doing a 15 minute room rescue of my living room (somehow the "bathroom slippers" keep ending up in the middle of my living room--oh the joys of having a puppy) while I was listening to the CD Here I am to Worship, when I heard Wendy O'Connell singing "Above All Else" written by Vicky Beeching.  The words caught my attention and sent me to my computer to search for the lyrics:

Jesus my passion in life is to know You
May all other goals bow down to
This journey of loving You more

Jesus You've showered Your goodness on me
Given Your gifts so freely
But there's one thing I'm longing for

Hear my heart's cry
And my prayer for this life

Above all else
Above all else
Above all else
Give me Yourself

This song sums up my heart's desire . . . my longing for 2006:  that all my other goals bow down to the journey of knowing and loving Jesus more.  I also like the way she pleads with Him to give her Himself. 

I have spent most of my life mistakenly believing that I had to "earn God."  If I was good enough, if I prayed well, if I studied my Bible right, then He would reveal Himself to me.  Oh how wrong I was!  Actually, this thinking robbed me of the joy only those redeemed by grace can experience.

Jesus, this song verbalizes my heart's cry.  I want to know you better.  I want to love you more.  I want to be intimate with You, the lover of my soul.  Give me Yourself.  Help me to make all other goals I set this year bow to this desire.  And, I thank You that I do not have to earn You--that You freely give Yourself.  I love you, Lord.

contentment and grace

Not too long ago, I wrote about how hard it is to be content (with singleness) and how I longed to know Paul's reciepe of contentment that he writes about in Philippians.

Tonight, I stumbled on to an article by Carolyn McCulley about Contentment in the Wait.  Near the end of her article she says:

Contentment calls for humility. We have to intentionally humble ourselves under God’s mighty hand when our circumstances don’t work out to our liking. Without a doubt, it is humbling to go year after year with a hope deferred! It’s very humbling to keep showing up at family events as the only single sibling, or to go to the wedding of a former boyfriend without a date. But we have to remember that, as Christian women, we’re not here to promote our personal success stories, anyway. We’re here as trophies of grace — broken clay jars carrying around incredibly valuable treasure. Even if the Lord should grant our petition for marriage and a family, our witness and purpose do not change. Only our circumstances change. [emphasis mine]

I had forgotten that I am a trophy of grace.  For most of my life, I have spent too much time trying to earn my already gifted salvation trying to prove my worth.  What a joy it is to celebrate that I am a trophey of grace.  How underserving I am to be one--but I guess that is the whole point! 

I mean . . . really now. . . imagine that!  God considers me a trophy--a symbol of success or victory--that he prominetly displays in his dwelling place.  He is proud of his work in my life.  He was victorious, and I am the trophy.  The trophy of grace.  I am not on display on his heavenly shelf because of the things I have done . . . but because of of what he has done.  Just like athletes earn the trophys they receive, it was God who did the work in me.

As a sidenote: Carolyn alludes to the same concept that I blogged about a few days ago, she just approaches it in a slightly different light.  Its not the focus of her article, but she reminds me again that my goal in life--to know and make known God, to glorify him by enjoying him--does not change if I one day wed.

Father, may my contentment be found in you alone.  Thank you for placing valuable treasure in this messed-up broken clay jar.

false gods

People all over this globe are worshiping false gods.  And I am not talking about TV, work, food, or football.  I am talking about physical idols representing false gods.

Check out this video of a worship song from India (a "Telugu folk song").  I found it while reading about a project to help India become more literate. 

How the people of this world are so blinded and living in darkness!

Oh how they need Jesus!

making scripture important

For 2006, I want to make Scripture an important part of my life.

First, I would like to memorize whole sections of the Bible, not just a verse here and a verse there. I am praying now about what to memorize first.  I found this list of articles on scrpture memory.

Another thing I would like to do in 2006 is read through the Bible in one year.  I began tonight by looking for reading plans. I found one site that details and links to the various sites with different “though the Bible in a year” plans. I downloaded the pdf file from the Discipleship Journal site.  Will print it out tomorrow.

I have a nice recording of The New Living Version on CD. Maybe I should rip it and add parts of it to my ipod.

my perspective

There are giants living in the land.  The land is great, but the people there are huge and scary.  God says this is the land I give you, but we say "thanks but no thanks.  It's just too frightening."

Why is it that I consistenly fail to see the world the way my heavenly Father does?  When we look at the world from a human perspective, we make judgements based on things that are not accurate. 

I know His ways are not my ways.  I know His thoughts are not my thoughts.  I know that mankind's greatest wisdom is His most foolish thought. 

Father, give me your eyes.  Help me to see the world as you do.  Help me to see myself and others as you do.

my story

When I was seven, I told my mother she could no longer love me. I told her I was a bad girl and that I was too bad to be loved again. Together, my mom and dad, took this opportunity to tell me of God's redeeming sacrifice through Jesus Christ.  I then trusted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior.  My dad baptized me on Feb 1, 1986; ten years to the day after he was baptized.  I have since sought to know and make known my incredible living God.

The summer after my 15th birthday, I recommitted my life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ at a summer camp.  At the time I believed that meant I was to enter career ministry.  Surrendering to a career in ministry was not easy because I am a pastor's daughter and I know how draining and difficult being in the ministry can be.  Nonetheless, after I made the decision, I began to think about my future.

At the time, I thought that my career in ministry would be with apartment ministry and apartment churches in an urban area in America.  I spent a summer ministering in inner-city Houston in 1995.  Then in college, I spent two years ministering in downtown Dallas with an after-school program and an apartment church.  I didn't want to be in "churchy" ministry.  I longed to meet people's practical and felt needs in order to meet their real need. However, in 1997 a month long trip to Taiwan through my university changed everything.  Although I experienced immense culture shock, I began to fall in love with the Taiwanese.  I returned to the States and became active in making relationships with international students.  Again, I was devoted to meeting practical and felt needs in order to meet their real need. 

However, this time instead of loafs of bread and after-school tutoring, I offered friendship and help with academic essays.

I then spent my senior year in college as an exchange student in Taiwan.  I loved it.

When returning to finish my last semester of college, I struggled with how to return to Asia to live and serve my Lord and pay off my school loans as well.  After much prayer and consultation with people I trusted, I decided to attend graduate school and work on my master's degree in teaching English as a foreign language.

Now, I have graduated from UT Austin and live in Taiwan.  I again hope to meet people's practical and felt needs in order to have the opportunity to meet their real need, which is why I am using the English language as a ministry tool.

I serve an incredible God who has shaped my hopes, dreams, and experiences to give me joy and bring Him glory.  What a wonderful combination!! Praise Him!!

(See more on why I want to live in Taiwan.)

(To read many more testimonies see the bloggy tour over at Lauren's blog.)